Hello, I'm happy to talk with you. I am working on your question now.
Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.
I am sorry to hear that you are having problems in your relationship. One of the best ways to help to avoid overreacting is to slow things down. This can be done in several ways. First, you can try reflective listening in which you listen to him while setting aside your response. Then let him know what you are hearing from him, what you heard him say and what it sounds like he is feeling. Once he acknowledges that yes you have heard him correctly, then you can respond to let him know how it feels to hear this.
Another thing you can do is to remember to not start your sentences with you. When you do this it is like pointing a finger at him and will cause him to be defensive. Additionally, you can take several deep breaths when in a situation in which you may tend to overreact.
Also, letting him know that you are working on this behavior, and that at times you may need to walk away and come back in a little bit in order to have time to process things could be helpful. When you walk away, remember to do it in a very matter of fact way, not in an angry way. Then you can go to a place by yourself and write him an angry letter. You can make it as angry as you want, and then shred it. This allows you to vent your anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Then, after some deep breaths, you may be able to go back and talk with him more reasonably.
Finally, reality testing with yourself about whether the issue at hand will really matter in another year can help to determine whether it is really an important issue worthy of such a reaction or not.
I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.
i do try to remove myself but the issue is more that i am removing myself from a situation i created in my head
You may want to try thought stopping. When one of these thoughts enters your mind, you can tell yourself "STOP", then replace the thought with a more positive thought that is rational and reasonable. For instance, something that you might tell a good friend who was in a similar situation. Then get up and do something to "change the channel" in your brain; such as exercising, getting involved in a project, talking to someone . . . . The more you work on the thought stopping, the more it will become normal for you to think more positively. If this is not helpful, it may be beneficial for you to again consider some individual therapy to work through what may be contributing to the problem. There are mental health centers in most areas that will offer sliding scale fees. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can be of further help.
i do try to remove myself but most of the time i create the situation in my head. i make i big deal out of something small like him looking at a female. especially younger ones