Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.
I would say that individual counseling is definitely worth considering. A counselor can help give you feedback on how you present yourself, what vibes/signals/body language you might be sending off without recognizing it, and help you work through your needs.
First, you have to make sure there isn't a childhood need that is trying to fill itself with a girl, sex, or "being wanted." No other person can ever fill that specific hole. But through therapy you can learn how to heal those wounds yourself. That leaves you in a much better place to find a girl and actually have a healthier relationship.
The only hole in your logic is that you're not a child any more. You don't have to have your parent's love to keep you alive (providers of food, shelter, touch, identity, etc.). Any adult who tells me their "cure" is having someone else approve of them and love them is an adult who hasn't completely learned how to meet their own needs by themselves. And most potential partners run from that vibe, they don't want to fill a void... they want to be loved and approved of too, for who they really are, not for the chemical rush and psychological bandaid they provide.
You might also be stuck doing the same things over and over again (such as going to bars) but each time expecting a different outcome (a different type of girl, or a different level of readiness for relationships in the girls you meet). A counselor can help you identify other avenues in your life that might be better arenas for looking for a potential girlfriend. A bar is rarely a good place to meet a healthy partner.
But the desire to want a partner, the desire to be wanted and loved, is normal. But as healthy adults we need to learn how to fill those needs ourselves, because even a healthy partner will never be able to meet all our needs all the time.
I'm still here.
ah good, am reading, thanks
I totally agree with you that expecting from someone to make you happy is a troubleshome road to take on. The responsibility to feel good shouldnt be placed on someone else. I also i take to heart your point that I might be sending innapropriate vibes
Research shows that up to 90% of what we "get" from another person is based on their non-verbal communication (posture, clothing, eye contact, etc).
That's where having a therapist who can be honest about how you present yourself can be helpful. If you have depression going on, you may not realize that it's affected those non-verbal things (typically reduced eye contact, less confident posture, slower/less animated speech, reduced self-care/hygeine/dress, etc.)
I completely see that any sort of "needy" vibe would turn off most, we dont like demanding people who expect us to do the job of them feeling good
Is there anything else I can answer or clarify for you? Or does that answer your question?
I would like to expand on your answer with regards XXXXX XXXXX "Any adult who tells me their "cure" is having someone else approve of them and love them is an adult who hasn't completely learned how to meet their own needs by themselves"
how exactly can I meet my needs by myself? i would like some clarification
A child doesn't have the options adults have to meet their own needs.
Adults can use hobbies, faith, friends, family, enjoyable activities, success at work, and other emotionally fulfilling tools/techniques/outlets to meet their needs.
Adults have a strong need for their life to have meaning, for their work to have value, for the things in their life to make sense. Rarely can having a partner meet all these needs. That's why relationships can be bandaids over wounds, temporary chemical fixes for needs, but rarely enough to give us what we really crave as adults.
New relationships, sex, being found attractive, all that stuff gives us an amazing boost of adrenaline and endorphines, which brighten our mood, ease our pain and stress, and give us energy.
That's why we see a lot of people who might have long term depression or anxiety problems use relationships or sexual encounters as a way of self-medicating... because those are powerful drugs, and it's easy to get addicted to them.
So when an adult tells me that everything will be better when they have a relationship (their job will be better, their house will be cleaner, it'll suddenly be easier to lose weight and exercise, money won't be so important, etc), I worry that they are taking all their problems and placing it in their partner's hands and saying "Now this is YOUR responsibility."
yes i fully agree with you, i can see that and it doesnt reflect my case. My english is rather pure so am not 100% confident i sent accross exactly what i wanted
That's not a safe or healthy way to be. And most partners will run when they feel that burden being placed on them, or they'll start to resent you.
inside me i dont feel a sense of "please make me happy" rather something like "why nonody likes me?" which makes me sad. I am fully aware that self esteem comes by definition from yourself not from others
when I say nobody i mean "some" not that no one likes me in my life
Questions like "Why nobody likes me" makes me think there are still childhood hurts and needs that haven't been healed. That's what therapy helps do. Meet the needs of the hurt child still inside you. Then you're in a better position to figure out how else you can meet your need for approval and community/connection.
Once you find your place (through your faith, through your job, through your hobbies or volunteer work), you begin to cast a vibe that attracts people to you. That's why it's true that people are viewed as more attractive and desirable once they already find a relationship, because they are sending out healthier, more assertive, and more confident vibes. And people flock to that vibe. Because inside we all want it too.
So it's backwards therapy. The way to get the girl is to not NEED the girl.
Also the more you do (hobbies, work, volunteer, church, etc) the more you're increasing your chances of meeting a girl who enjoys and values the same things you do. That's a great foundation for a healthy relationship.
That's another reason why it's hard to find a match when you're depressed or feeling low, because you usually stop having the energy or desire to do those other things.
one moment please
I agree with you and we are on the same page. The only thing that I may be missing is that i send out the wrong vibes thought
*though I cant see that as am generally pretty spirited person
That I can't really answer from here, because I can't see you, I can't hear your voice, I can't see what others see when they meet you. That's where having a real life counselor or coach can help you get that honest feedback.
yes I agree to that
are there counselors who actually go out with you?
It's dangerous to ask your friends, because they are going to want to protect your feelings. You need to find someone objective enough to give you the truth, but who can also help you find ways to change the non-verbal vibes you're sending so you can improve your chances.
Personal coaches are more likely to go out to view you in the environment. Some behavioral therapists will too. Sometimes we can also ask a friend to videotape you with their phone camera or something like that, so we can review it in the office together.
I don't go clubbing with my clients, but I have gone to their workplace, or to a public place (like a mall) and seen how they interact with strangers. That can be good practice, as it's usually less stressful than trying out new skills in a bar or club.
can i ask you this, is it unreasonable as a man to expect a smile or a normal look before i approach someone because i always felt unattractive with people who show no interest and just sit there expecting everyone else to make the first move
i just wanna test against someone impartial some of my views
That really varies based on your area. For example, in my area, it's pretty normal for strangers to smile or look engaging when they notice someone who appears to be ready to initiate eye contact or a conversation. But in other parts of the United States that I've been in, that is not the norm. Other places can be neutral or even suspicious of you until you actually make the first move and open a conversation. I think in today's dating world, women still expect men to make the first move, and most women (again, in clubs and bars especially) will not send out welcoming signals until you directly initiate a conversation... mostly because they don't want to send out signals (smiles, random chatter) and end up attracting too many men.
Just like you want to feel a connection before you open yourself up, most women feel the same way. So they wait for a guy to be nice but direct and assertive. They also wait to see what you say to judge what they think you're after (a one night fling versus a potential relationship).
I think many women have also been encouraged to be more stand-off-ish in that setting as a matter of protection against unwanted advances by guys who may not have the best boundaries (or may be too drunk to notice when the woman has signaled that she wants nothing to do with him).
may I tell you my view on this and you tell me if its fallacious
Sure, but I really only have a few minutes left till I need to wrap this up.
yes certainly, this is last
the reason i dont approach girls who show no interest isnt because am shy but more like am not attracted by this attitude. I believe being social is a mental state of mind which is reflected in your attitude that makes people feel comfortable to talk to you. They think you as "friendly", These are the kind of people i find more at ease to approach. I dont think that you are "socializing" just because you are surrounded by physicall bodies
would you agree to that?
and that wraps it up
I do agree. That is why I don't recommend bars or clubs for trying to meet new partners, because you're either running the risk of them not dropping their guard to let you initiate contact, or you run the risk of liking what you see in a person and them being different when they haven't been "loosened up" by alcohol. I think that's why we're seeing a lot of success with the online matchmaking sites, because they help jump over that hurdle. And why I recommend people find groups (like hobby based of volunteer based) because people in those situations will generally be more open and approachable, their more friendly side, because they are doing something they enjoy or find valuable.
do you class me as reasonable generally given my txt and views?
i dont expect to check up on you on these qualities but just to see another person view out of interest
From what I see you seem pretty normal. I think you're just stuck in a rut of repeating the same patterns that aren't working, and it's time to try something different to see if you get different results.
thanks for the consultation
Best wishes :-)
I suppose i click accept now.
Yes you can, and I'll step out of chat.
you got it