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Selah R, M.S. LPC
Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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My 21 year old son refuses to grow up and be responsible.

Resolved Question:

<p>My 21 year old son refuses to grow up and be responsible. He still lives at home. He blew college off (was always a poor student in high school as well). He can't (or won't keep a job) My husband as a clotting disorder and has been hospitalized twice in the past 2 years with PEs. I have M.S. and was just diagnosed with stage 0 DCIS - I've completed radiation therapy, can no longer take HRT and will start Tamoxifen soon. My son sleeps all day parties all night and is hateful and a cops an attitude when asked to clean up after himself. God forbid that we ask him to anything beyond that to help us out. He's my only child and I love him but now I'm starting to hate him too. It feels like he is sucking the life out of me, my home and my marriage. I have always wanted him to have a happy life and be successful in whatever he chooses to do. But right now he's choosing to be a slug. What little money he does earn goes to fast food, cigarettes, snuff, pot and beer. He's making my life hell and breaking my heart in the process. I'd love to put him in a 30 day residential rehab program but since he's 21, he needs to do that himself. I don't have the physical strength, energy or time (given I refuse to become disable and still work full time) to assert any authority. Did I mention I have a 91 year old mother we finally settled in an Assisted Living Facility but she still needs my help and I handle all her finances as well as my families which is stressful considering I have a third adult sucking me dry.   I AM AT MY WITS END! He's making me wish I had eaten him when he was young.   I'm a strong person but I really feel beaten down right now. Help me,please <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I would add that my son had surgery on a knot on his quadriceps muscle - a lipoma was expected but instead the know was purely muscle tissue. A sample was biopsied and the results came back suggestive of Myotonic Dystrophy. He was evaluated by a local neurologist who felt that it was not MD given the absence of other neuromuscular sx. However, when reviewing his complete his including hypersomnia, apathy and moodiness, he felt it's possible my son may have a mild form of Myotonic Dystrophy and should be evaluated at Vanderbilt University -- we make the trip tomorrow. God forbid that is his diagnosis though it might explain his behaviors. I need advise as to how to help him move forward toward a normal, happy productive life (and before he destroys any chances of my husband and me getting one back). <br /><br />How long does it take to get an answer?  </p><p>I've been waiting over 3 hours!  I cannot concentrate to work and I'm at my wits end.  My deposit processed instantaneously and while periodically a pop up will indicate my question has been passed off on someone else, I still don't have an answer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Go ahead and cancel this request.  I'm not satisifed with the answer because I've been waiting all day and am yet to receive one.  Obviously ASAP means something entirely different to your staff.   I'll find a local counselor who surely will be more responsive.</p>
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Selah R, M.S. LPC replied 6 years ago.
I'm sorry no one was able to get to your question in time. I'm going to post an answer, just in case you're still interested in an answer from a mental health professional.

I think you and your husband have to put your health and your relationship back as a priority, instead of your son being the priority. Both of you are dealing with tremendous stress, physical illnesses which stress worsens, and stress with other family members (such as your mother's care). You care and concern for your son is normal, but at this point it's not longer healthy because it's enabling him to stay childish, and is causing you and your husband damage.

Your son may not think he needs counseling or medication. He may never admit that he needs help. But he will never change until his environment forces him to change. You may been to work with a counselor on learning tough love parenting, and setting firm boundaries and timeline to help push your son out of the nest. It sounds like with his personality he will hate you and resent you for pushing him out. But if he is able to mature, he may come to realize that it was the only choice he gave you.

If he is diagnosed with a significant illness or disability he may qualify for assistance through the state rehabilitation department for training, counseling, and school assistance. But if you continue on this same path, he will use you and your husband and your marriage up, and still learn nothing. The only way to get him to stand up and grow up is going to be firm boundaries that give him no more options to abuse your love and care.

Again, working with a therapist can help you set this up, and help you process the anger, grief, depression, confusion, and other emotions you're going to have to face to get through this.

Best wishes and sincerest apologies for your wait,
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