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Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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for Tamara In the end of my question, I add some information,

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for Tamara: In the end of my question, I add some information, please notice it. i'm not an native english speaker, so i hope you can really understand most of my words. I am a 24 years old girl, I have a friend that I know for 4 months now, we met in a dating site, and we live in different countries. I feel like he is a very good person that I ever meet even we do not meet in person yet, and he already bought a airticket to my country in October. In the very early time when we meet, he already know I am not sure the feeling about my ex and my past, don't know whether I still love my ex, he feel very frustrate about that. He said he loves me but I still not sure my feeling about my ex. I feel sad and frustrate also, I like him more than like ,I can't say love before meeting him in person, because i feel like it's not right thing to do ,have to sure my feeling. i also worry that meet him in person, what if I love him one day then still not sure my feeling? One of my friend said don't worry , if you fall in love with another person then you will not care about your ex anymore.---is it true? Because sometimes I bring my past out, or sometimes my friend's words remind me of my past (seems sometimes if I don't say it out then I feel like I hide something from him),then We will argue for that, and make each other tired , sad and angry . I want to tell you the things happen between me and ex. I was involved in a long distance relationship with my ex .we also in different countries. he visited me for one time in two years in my country. he said before he met me, and in the very early time, he wanted to ask that female friend(now it's his best friend) out for a coffee to see what will happen between them(in my opinion, it's a date), but she refused, because she already have someone to be with ,and he said after know more about her, he find out she like expensive thing very much, so they will not fit for each other. we did argue for female friends' stuff before, like how many times to visit friends or call. Before 8 months we broke up, he suggested to move to my country then can slowly not contact with those friends, but I say I prefer his country , we can move to another city in his country then he can not contact with that best female friend, because I feel really uncomfortable for someone who he wanted to date before! but he said it's impossible not to contact with her, because she helped him a lot when he got divorce before, it's unloyal to friend if no more contact, and he also tried to show me said they were just normal friends and my ex said his father was too jealous, and in the end he chose to love another woman but not his mum. After hearing that, I feel angry, I am not his father! Because I am loyal and I always try hard in relationship! is it real love? Did he put me first? who is the most important person for him? actually If he did not want to date that woman before then I will not ask him to not contact with that woman. before we argue and separate, i tried so many times and many ways to solute the problem but it did not work, after we separate for some time , I know another man ,I told my ex it's enough, , I I love him, but it's his fault to leave me. I believe I will feel happy with that man in the future. then my ex said fine , if you said like that then bybye. But in my opinion,I already try hard in my relatioship,I think if he really love me, then he should try to win me back no matter I said I met someone ? ....I was not be with that man for other reasons now... I really want to meet my friend now in person, but sometimes I will think about my past and wonder whose fault in the past? is it my fault or my ex's fault in female friend's problem of last relatioship? if i can't confirm that i do nothing wrong in female friend's problem of last relatioship ,then it's hard for me to figure out what should i do now? I don't want to hurt my friend and myself again. i do care about my friend now. what I should do ? i hope my words above isn't too mess to understand. Thanks for reading. PS. When I was with my ex, one time, when we argue so much and discuss for one problem again and again but can't solve it, I guess our relationship will be nearly over, then I decide to go to dating site . after that for sometime,I told my ex that I go to dating site, then he feel angry and said I am unloyal.i told him that I will not do that again and will only spend time to solve our problem. after that I really did what I said .and we feel happy together again. And seems for a long time we did not argue and discuss this problem again. now I wonder: is it because I went to that dating site ,so he chose that female friend but not me? But I wonder that seems we solve this problem and we feel happy again, and I corrected my fault. but when we broke up ,he did not put me first ,and did not want to correct his fault. I guess it's his fault to broke this relationship but not me?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
Hi again. I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your question. I have been out of town and without access to a computer. I'm not sure what the additional question is that you are asking. Could you please try to clarify your question, and I would be glad to do my best to answer it. Tamara
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
sure.thanks very much.i guess you still remeber my story before? last time you told me it's not my fault in my last relatioship,because my ex did not care about me,he care about female frined more.it's not true love,and it's right for me not be with him. then i think about some other things,i wonder whether it's matter to my last relatioship, like:When I was with my ex, one time, when we argue so much and discuss for one problem again and again but can't solve it, I guess our relationship will be nearly over, then I decide to go to dating site . after that for sometime,I told my ex that I go to dating site, then he feel angry and said I am unloyal.i told him that I will not do that again and will only spend time to solve our problem. after that I really did what I said .and we feel happy together again. And seems for a long time we did not argue and discuss this problem again. now I wonder: is it because I went to that dating site ,so he chose that female friend but not me? But I wonder that seems we solve this problem and we feel happy again, and I corrected my fault. but when we broke up ,he did not put me first ,and did not want to correct his fault. I guess it's his fault to broke this relationship but not me? so i want to know whether it's my fault or not to broke the relatioship?
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
OK. thank you for the further information. It's hard to say exactly who is at fault in a situation like this. The reality of most break-ups is that both people played a part in the problem; so it is hard to be able to ever just put the blame on one person. I would agree that you probably made a mistake by going to a dating site before your relationship was officially over. I'm sure that caused your boyfriend to feel somewhat betrayed. That might be the reason he chose the other woman and didn't put you first. It could also be that he felt the other relationship was a better choice for him and so he did what he felt was best for him. There is no one to blame in such a situation. Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's isn't anyone's fault. So I would encourage you to stop blaming yourself, and do your best to accept that this relationship was not meant to be - for whatever reason. You will find someone else, and then this won't feel as important. Do your best in your next relationship to not make the same mistakes - that's all anyone can do.

Best wishes. Tamara
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
for Tamara: <p>Sorry that I want to write to you quickly , but the internet is just fixed today. i think about something after I see your reply ,can you reply me again?at least tell me whose fault is more?if I do not remember it wrong, I guess when me and my ex argued , because my ex keep to say to me :don't email to me ever again! I try to explain, but I thought he did not want to be with me, that's why I went to the dating site. then after the fight finished, we feel happy again. I forget when he ask me whether I will be unloyal ,but i think he already forgive me in what I said above, because we feel happy again. If he did not forgive me then he should just ask me to leave after I went to dating site, he keep talk with me and happy and not mention it again I think it mean forgive. i would like to give up all male friends for him, but why he can't do that for me? he said if we get marry, then he will "have to " give up that friend for me. so what's love for him? marriage is important ,but love is not important? if he can't do that for me now, how I can believe he can do that for me after get marry? he went to see his ex's facebook, see what her life now and saw the picture about his ex with the new bf. i feel angry for him,seems be with me long time but still want to see his ex and we fight. I hate people can't keep their promise, that mean they can't be trust. but my ex did broke his promise ,because he said he can't accept contact with female friends not more than 2 times in a month except the special reasons. i said what, why you promise if you can't accept? it's very important promise for me, because I ask him you sure ?he said he sure he promise. For that he hurt me very bad that time. in the end he want to correct it then I let it go. I guess it's the same as he seems forgive me when I go to dating site? But he did not want to correct it for that female friend, he did not put me first ,did not respect me and really love me. Is what I said above is right? I wonder Whose fault to broke up the relationship? because seems in every relationship I am serious and always want to try hard. Feel so down and lost these days.i hope you can be honest to tell me. at least to tell me whose fault is more? Thanks very much that you have to read so much from me.</p>
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
Based on the information you have given, it sounds like you were willing to work on the relationship and he wasn't. Therefore, I would have to say that it is more his fault that you broke up. Best wishes. Please click accept. Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience: 20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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Tamara
Tamara
Psychotherapist
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20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified