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Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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I have become overwhelmed so many looses in my life, firstly

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I have become overwhelmed so many looses in my life, firstly I come from a narcasistic family never felt loved and supported, so after many years of looking for love found myself in either similar situations of no love or no support, after counsilling of felt I was getting on top then decided after 17 years of being alone to try and meet someone. For the past 2 months I met someone, spent alot of time toghether almost living together. I use alcohol to cope when I get rejected and once again have been let down. He said he no longer wants to be romantically involved, in a quick conversation on the phone, want answer the phone return messages nothing, now he is back on line dating were I first met him. This man was romantic, very demanding yet I kept it going when I new I should not, I opened up to him about my family as he asked so many questions. and subility through things back in my face, he got distant when ever I went home wanted me there all the time spoke of marrage, getting houses asked questions on my wages.I don't now were to go for help as the drinking is gettting out of control, and have no one in my family I can talk to. Can yo help me?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.
HiCustomer thanks for your question.

I understand that you are feeling lost and down about losing this guy and I am sorry he has cause you this pain. Let's have another look at what you have written in your question...

You know you have a pattern of losing people in your life -this can set up an expectation that this is what you will continue to get all of your life. This belief can exist in the subconscious mind, where all of the beliefs are kept that are meant to protect us from fear and harm and pain. So if you have been close to someone before and they have caused you pain, then your subconscious mind may be attempting to protect you by encouraging you to not get too close to someone as they may hurt you again. The other behaviour this belief may encourage you to do is to choose men who are going to hurt you, because it will continue your pattern in which you are comfortable (I know it hurts to be in this pattern, but the familiarity of the pattern can be comforting). ONe way to break this cycle is to see an EMDR therapist who will help you to process away any negative emotions that are linked with the memories and beliefs in your subconscious mind. If you have strong memories that seem as if they were yesterday and are negatively charged, ts may be useful to you.

Alternatively, a cognitive behavioural therapist may be able to help you to identify and recognise your relationship patterns so that you can see them when they arise and you can choose to take a different path, thus managing your relationships with a clear head. Sometimes when a person wants to be loved so much, it gets in the way of the relationship developing naturally, as the other person may be scared off or take advantage of your need to settle down with someone. I do think that having an insight into your own patterns of behaviour will help you to recognise and control them.

Congratulations for understanding that alcohol is a coping mechanism - it is a short term solution to longer term problems. It will only make you feel your current feelings at a stronger level, so if you feel depressed, alcohol will make you feel more so. As you know, it won't solve your problems. You also did well to recognise that you shouldn't have bee carrying on the relationship with this man. You don't say why, but you were right, which suggests that your instincts are good. Congratulate yourself for knowing this and allow yourself to feel in control. You might want to see a hypnotherapist, who will help you to raise your self confidence and your self beliefs. They can help you to feel strong whilst you are alone, so that you are able to offer a new partner a whole person, rather than trying to find another half to fit with your insecurities. A good hypnotherapist will not do therapy with you whilst you under the influence of alcohol, but they will be able to boost your resources to that you don't need a drink to get by. A hypnotherapist is also conversing with your subconscious mind, so can help you to overpower those inner beliefs. Try and find one who does Inner Child Healing - this would almost certainly help you to feel more contented about the past. We cannot change the past, but we can alter the way that we feel about it and let some of the negative feelings go, so that the future is brighter.

I wish you all the very best with this. Let the man go, you know he wasn't as good as you deserve.
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