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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I am trying to understand why mu husband is so turned on by

Resolved Question:

I am trying to understand why my husband is so turned on by porn with black men having sex with white women.  I am white and he is white.  I think it bothers me so much because it is something that i can't relate to.  if he watched white men and white women I wouldn't think twice about it.   i am not racist by any means - I have many friends who are in interracial relationships and it doesn't bother me at all.  my husband also tends to "bring it in to the bedroom" while we are having sex.  it becomes part of his dirty talk routine...i have no one i can really ask because i don't want to discuss these private matters with friends.  it wouldn't be right.  is it normal for men to be turned on by this?  is it my thoughts that are making it into something it really isn't? 
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
I believe I can answer your question. Let me say first, that because of the internet, the viewing of pornography is becoming very commonplace and when people gravitate toward it to meet emotional and sexual needs, rather than "real" relationships, it can become a problem. I'm sure you are aware of this, of course.

Recently, there a few very interesting studies that examined both African-American and Anglo-Americans' views of sexuality and in particular sexual attributes and performance stereotypes of one anothers' ethnic/racial groups. It was quite surprising to discover that for example, African-American women have some of the same sexual behavior and performance beliefs and expectations of African American men, versus Anglo men. You can look some of these stereotypes up on the internet; they may not be valid or factual, but they do exist. This is very likely your answer: Some Anglo males may be curious about performance and behavioral differences in mixed couples, simply because what they believe (valid or invalid stereotypes), and seek opportunities to watch, study, learn, and vicariously experience, through porn, and then practice what they believe to be "enhanced skills and performance" in their bedroom themselves, imposing it on their partner. None of this is rational, and the motivations why it occurs is probably based on invalid information about sexual behavior, stereotypes and performance beliefs; but people do most things in life based on their assumptions, values, expectations and beliefs about others.

I hope this has addressed your question. Let me know if it has not, please.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
<p>Thank you for your response. the good thing is that him watching porn hasn't taken place of us being intimate. thank would be an issue in and of itself it it was. with that being said, i guess i am confused by my own reaction. i have asked him about it and he said that it is a turn on because it is considered a "taboo". is it a normalicy for white men to be turned on by interracial porn? for example some of the porns are "blondes on blacks"...i am not blond either...</p><p>well, there are plenty of other things that would fall under the taboo category, but they don't seem to trigger the same reaction. am i over reacting to this? is it something i need to deal with internally? i guess what btohers me is that he gets turned on by asking me if i want to have sex with black men, more than one, etc. in the middle of intercourse. If is say yes, he gets really tunred on but i feel guilty....i am jsut tryign to find a way to be comfortable with it so he still enjoys sex as much as i used to enjoy it before he started adding that to it....</p><p> </p>
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: It didn't address my question thoroughly..
It didn't address my question thoroughly.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
I think that you have hit upon the big issue for your relationship. If a particular activity such as this doesn't promote intimacy in your relationship, then one has a right to question whether it is simply a rather selfish act or????. So what does it really mean? The notion that he might be interested in watching you have sex with another man, particularly a black man because this excites HIM more, would make most any woman question his sense of empathy and what the sexual part of their relationship means, or is really worth. If he graduates to this suggestion to you, I'd seek marital therapy because the two of you are likely not on the same page. There is a lack of congruence in the value and meaning you place on intercourse, what the purpose is, if your activities do not promote intimacy in your relationship, etc.

I hope this elaboration helps.

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