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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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4 years ago my husband had an affair. the affair was 6 years

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4 years ago my husband had an affair. the affair was 6 years long. he is passive aggressive. his problem is sexual nothing phisically wrong hence no sex or just max 3-4 times a year if I initiate. I am on ht the verge of divorcing him He said that he does not aggree he said that he is not the same and that change takes long

He is saying that his affair was not emotional what he wanted was nothing else but to hear how fantastic he is. He felt useless and the reason for the affair he gives is : He felt not loved.

He is also saying that the ow was persuing him.
The last 1 and a half year , they had sex. He said that sex was not what he wanted. He engaged in sex because he craved approval

Throughot our marriage 15 years, he was not enthusiastic about sex. He was not able to be intimate in other areas as well. The therapist said that he is pasive aggressive and intimacy avoidant.

Now after 4 years working on the marrige I am tired. There is some progress but the progress is coming at snail's pase. He is more tolkative and he tells me more about himself, however there is no sexual intimacy.

He masturbates, so in my opinion he has no sex avergion therefore it must be me - as in I do not awake his sexual desires. Whith that I am not saying that his lack of sexual desire is my fault. Perhaps we just do not fit.

Can passive aggressive get better can he change
Does he love me Is he still lying?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these problems in your relationship. I'm sure this has been very difficult for you to deal with. Recovery from an affair is a complicated and time consuming process - and it is also a process that you need to be willing to go through. If you aren't willing/wanting to "give it time", then you are under no obligation to do so, and I would certainly understand and support that decision. Your husband didn't have a lapse of judgment type of infidelity (e.g. a one night stand) - he had an ongoing affair with another woman for 6 years. There are a lot of moments in six years to consider what one is doing and to decide that one's marriage is more important (or that it's not, and thus get a divorce and move on). But your husband didn't reconsider, nor did he leave. Which would lead me to speculate that he isn't committed to you or your relationship, beyond what it provides him in terms of familiarity and comfort. So by all means, if you want a divorce, get one. I don't think anyone (except your husband) would question your decision.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

What role does passive aggressive play in all this? Is it possible to pretend to such an extend? At whaat age is sex not so important?


Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
I'm not sure I understand what you are asking. I thought your question was about your husband having an affair. Aside from the obvious, how does sex relate to your situation? What is he pretending about? I just need some further clarification. Tamara

Edited by Tamara on 8/2/2010 at 5:21 AM EST
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He stoped the affair on the day I discovered his affair. Long before the affair he was not really interrested in sex. After the affair the same. However he is saying that because of his avoidance of intimacy he is not really desiring sex. He would like to but he just somehow cannot initiiate, hence I feel unwanted and unloved. He is saying that he loves me
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
I find it hard to believe that he was having an affair for six years and that it didn't include sex. So how to explain his lack of interest with you? It could very well be passive-aggressive, or it could also be that he is losing interest due to his age and the change in his testosterone levels, etc. It sounds like "avoiding intimacy" is an excuse, honestly. If that really is the problem, then he needs to go to therapy to figure out what's going on and work on changing it. Of course you feel unwanted and unloved - that's perfectly normal in this situation. However, you still need to decide whether or not yu are going to stay put and deal with his numerous rejections, or whether you are going to leave and take care of yourself. He can say he loves you all he wants, but his actions leave a lot to be desired. Good luck. Tamara
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Of 6 years - 1 and a half year was sexual.
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
OK - so he says. But he was still sexual with her and not with you. BotXXXXX XXXXXne is you need to decide whether to accept this or not. If you feel hurt and unloved and unwanted, then it's probably not the best place for you.
Tamara and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: I will come back to this site. I think I need to ask more questions in order for the expert to understand my situation.
I will come back to this site. I think I need to ask more questions in order for the expert to understand my situation
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
That's fine. When you come back, if you would like to continue to work with me, start your questions with "For Tamara" and I will be sure to get them. Then you can explain things further and may be that will help me better understand your situation. Take care. Tamara

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