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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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My husband left me 2 years ago and now lives with a woman

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My husband left me 2 years ago and now lives with a woman he met on the internet.
My 21 year old daughter lives with him when she is not in college, because he has tried to turn her against me with lies. He tells her I am crazy or a psycho. Since we had a fight in January, I have been blocked from texting or calling her cell phone. Just today, she had him (he is the account holder) lift the calling ban but not the texting.
In the past I texted her alot, and proably said things I should not have during the divorce.
Her father was unusually mean and spiteful during the divorce proceedings, continually lying to her about what went on in court.
She says I will text her all the time, that is why she is still blocking me. I could email her and I didn't do that all the time, except for last week, when I emailed her three days in a row, since she told me she would unblock me.
Now she says I haven't changed, that I was just faking it.
I have worked so hard to build a good relationship with her. Can you imagine how hard it is to be quiet when I know he is away on buisness and she is eating dinner with that woman while I eat alone every night?
I just feel like giving up. I am so alone.
I have a job interview tommorrow but don't think I will go, because I feel like I am nothing
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

 

I hope that you will change your mind about going to that job interview tomorrow! The best way you can show your daughter you have changed is to ...change. Getting a job would be a great first step. Show her you are moving on with your life, and trying not to obsess over this divorce and the new woman.

 

Unfortunately, I think you made a mistake by emailing her excessively last week. She will not believe that you have changed until you demonstrate it.

 

By continuing the old behavior, you are reinforcing the labels that your ex has put on you.

 

Your daughter is in a difficult position. I am sure she loves you, but she is in the position of having to live with her father and learn to get along with the new woman. Please don't add pressure to her by contacting her too often. I know this is a difficult time for you, but it seems you drive your daughter away by too much contact.

 

When you do have contact with her, accent the positive. Tell her about the new developments in your life...maybe even that new job.

 

If you are lonely eating alone, invite a friend to dinner. Your daughter cannot fix this situation for you...at 21 she is ready to start living her own life.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're getting help from the IOP. Keep up that work, put your energy into fixing your life into whatever new shape it is going to take, and sooner or later your daughter will acknowledge your achievements and trust you again.

 

I hope this helps. And I hope you go to the job interview and get the job!

Please click accept if this has been helpful. Let me know if you need more info.

Best regards,

Suzanne

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for your answer, it was very helpful. I know my daughter loves me, she is at the beach with her friends, and she just called me and said I love you. She is usually a real sweetheart, and I am proud to be her mother, I just wish I had more contact with her.

I noticed that you specialize in EMDR therapy. I am starting this on Tuesday, since I am still haunted by the trauma of being left after 30 years.

My beautiful home is in foreclosure, and I am searching for a job.

My ex husband is very successful and can give my daughter anything. But I still think she needs a mother, and that woman is not her mother.

Have you had success with EMDR in this kind of a situation?

Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

I'm so glad to hear that you are starting EMDR!

 

You have been through a lot and I know EMDR will help you.

 

One of the worst things that trauma does to a person is change how they feel about themselves (erode self-esteem, make a person feel defective in some way). EMDR can help your mind change those bad feelings, and make the memories fade into the past where they belong. I tell people that EMDR "takes the emotions out of the memories."

 

I think you will be amazed at how quickly a traumatic memory can be quieted with this method.

I wish you all the best. And remember, your daughter knows full well that you are her mother and always will be.

Best Wishes,

Suzanne Please click on the ACCEPT button so I get credited for our correspondence. Thank you!

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