Hello, I'm happy to talk with you. I am working on your question now.
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult situation at home. Extended family issues can be quite difficult. Not only are you dealing with your new husband's daughter in the home, but his home from a previous marriage, rather than one you have chosen together. It will be important for you and your husband to discuss this issue together in such a way where you support his love for his daughter while you encourage him to begin to see how his interactions with her may be enabling her unhealthy behaviors. Expecting her to behave as a responsible adult, whether it is in your home or her home is not cruel, it is healthy for her. It is important though that your approach does not put your husband in a position where he feels that he has to choose between the two of you, but that you and he act as a team to do what is right for his daughter and for your marriage. House rules, determined by you and your husband, would be very helpful to have everyone on the same page. Rather than waiting on her, you may let her know that you care about her and want the best for her. Enabling her is not helpful or caring to her, it simply enables her to continue to be unhealthy.
This is a situation that may be easier to discuss in family therapy with the help of a psychologist to make sure that your husband has help in setting healthy boundaries and that his daughter can hear what is being said in a safe way. Scheduling an appointment with a family therapist could help everyone involved to have this difficult discussion and may help your step daughter to move forward.
Good luck with all of this.