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Ask Tamara Your Own Question
Counselor & Psychotherapist
20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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I am a lesbian woman and my partner of 14 yrs. left me a 1
I am a lesbian woman and my partner of 14 yrs. left me a 1 1/2 yrs. ago. We have 2 kids together; a girl (who I had) and a boy (who she had) from the same donor. Yes, we had our share of problems like all couples. But, I never thought it was to the extreme of her leaving me. Yes, I was completely blindsided when she told me one day she was interested in another woman. I also found out that day she had been seeing this woman behind my back for some time. And there is no telling how long she was talking with her before she started this relationship with her. It happened through work and over several months. No, I didn't know anything. I found out about lies, cheating and the affair all in one day. Also, she got a secret email acct to have her affair, she changed her password XXXXX her phone so she could send and receive emails and textes with this woman. A month and half later I found out she wants to buy me out of our home so essentially her and this woman can buy it (of course she doesn't say that, but I found out later that was what was really going on). The lengths she went too and cunningness still amazes me she
all this behind my back and I didn't know any of it. I truly did trust her and I know that sounds stupid but I did and how couldn't I've known. I didn't realize how sneaky she could be. She never really showed that part of herself to me. We were extremely busy with the babies; 4 and 11/2 yrs. old. Beginning in September 08 she was making all these business trips to Seattle and around the country. I found out later some were half business and half joy trips. After she came out and told me, she then started taking trips around the country with this woman while I stayed at home to take care of the kids. She was maybe at home 10-14 days a month for 6 months. I moved out of the house March 09. I allowed her to buy me out, which is the worst mistake I could of made. My body wasn't even cold and she moved this woman in the next weekend. This woman is arrogant and trys to act like a bad ass with me. My ex of course allows it. She doesn't have much back bone. I am now in an apt. having to deal with my life being destroyed; all of my dreams gone of a family with 2 parents raising our kids together in the same house. My kids being shoved from one house to the next. Yes, we share them. I have to deal with that woman in my home where my family used to be and her living in my old house with my now ex raising my kids with her. It totally makes me sick. Watching my ex live her ****ing wonderful life after everything she's done to me and my family. I blame her for destroying our family. I have to explain to our children what happened bec now they are asking questions. I was told I am not allowed at the house anymore....orders from the mistress now girlfriend. So as you can see, I am still angrier than hell at my ex for causing all the grief. I am so angry, I want revenge bad. Yesterday , everything is all about her and her life. She told me the only thing that keeps her from taking a gun and blowing her head off is the kids. I thought and I am really not a bad person, but I have so much hatred in my heart towards her, I'll help you pull the trigger. This is how much I hate her and what she did to me and my family. This whole ordeal has been about her since Oct. 18, 2008 and it still is to this day. I have asked God over and over again to help me. I've prayed until I can't pray anymore. I've asked God get this woman out of our lives. I've prayed to no avail and nothing. No disrepect to God, but I have received no help with my crisis. You would think by now I would be over it, but I just can't seem to get past what she has done to me and I can't seem to forgive her. I have asked God to help me forgive her and I haven't been able to. My ex harbors resentment towards from years back; I didn't even know she was mad about things until we broke up. I have found out more now what was bothering her than I did when we were together. She doesn't see the things she did wrong and when I tried to tell her...she shut down and told me I am talking about you. To this day, it's still all about her and her needs. I know I am not perfect; I made mistakes with her; big ones that I regret. I wish I would of been more compassionate, a better listener and more in touch with her needs. I was not always there for her. I have done alot of soul searching with myself and I am very angry with myself for not taking care of my end of the relationship. But even today when I try to talk about us or what she did wrong, I get a closed door. She blames me for everything. The only thing she blames herself for is how she went about the break up, the affair, the lying, etc.....God doesn't help me...I asked numerous times to get rid of my angry and then it comes back. My faith in God is all but disappeared. I don't know what to do anymore or how to get rid of these feelings. I hate her. I am at a lost.
6 years ago.
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replied 6 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.
I'm sorry to hear that you are having these problems. It sounds like this has been a very upsetting situation for you, and I can certainly understand you feeling betrayed and angry. But you have tried for a long time to feel better about things, and it doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes you need help to work through these types of situations, and that's what I'm going to suggest that you do to try to help you get past this. I would encourage you to talk with a therapist so you can work through your lingering anger and resentments about this situation, and to get some support/help to move on with your life. It is crucial that you do this - for yourself and for your children. Your ex chose someone else. It would be nice if you could accept that this obviously wasn't the relationship you thought it was, and be grateful that you are in the position to move on with your life and to find someone who will value you. Get a therapist and allow yourself to grieve this loss and let it go. You will all be the better for it.
Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
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