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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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My wife and I our at a loss, we moved 5 years ago to an upscale

Customer Question

My wife and I our at a loss, we moved 5 years ago to an upscale neighborhood and community,leaving a small community where we raised our son now (24) and our daughter now (20). My son is out in the world succesful , and seemingly happy and still a big part of our lives, (he lives 15 minutes away.
My daughter is home from college for the summer and it has been tough. Although she initially made many new friends in this community she has one by one pushed them away for one reason or another. This summer in need of friends she hung arround with two girls from our neighborhood, who's dad is a physcian. !5 years ago I would have called them Valley girls but today they are spoiled princesses.
My daughter go to a university in Pittsburg and is in entering her Junior Year. She is moral with little or no drug use. But man she is unhappy. She is leaving to go back to school in two weeks. Growing up she had the biggest heart of any child I knew. No she seems so self centered and even heartless.
At home her relationship deterioted with a boyfriend, who she cared for deeply.(last year) he is the same age and was off to a different college and was basically chasing anyone that looked at him. This summer when she cools it off with him she feels rejected by the entire circle of friends. Similar case with a girlfriend, she was so into the one girl, but this too has parted and now her feelings come accros as almost vile towards the girls and her circle of friends. Although it comes out as hatred, she obviously doesnt handle rejection or conflict all that well.
School seems fine for her but i actually bellieve she will eventully find conflict there as well. If we try to correct her or offer any guidance she gets totally ugly and mouthy.
I worry greatly for her long term happyness. I have suggested that my wife and I try real hard not to critisize her but last night my wife felt the need to correct her again and it turned ugly. My wife has been there for her and has almost loved her and cared to much, i see the need to back off some and let her make it more on her own.
We have supported her financially and I do feel my wife has gone overboard with her with free money and purchasing her any thing she wants, again out of love.
So any suggestions on how to get her back on the right track. I wish i had grabbed her a month ago and gotten her to a professional, but thought we could work it out, now i do not have enough time left.
any suggestions would be helpful
Thank you
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 4 years ago.
hi there, I have a couple of questions for you. How did your daughter feel about moving house and immunity when this happened? What did she lose when you all moved away? Did she leave really good friend behind? Also, you say that she used to be big hearted -could you put your finger on anything specific that happened in between her being big hearted and now being selfish? has she had a huge fall out with any friends or boyfriend where the friend has really hurt her and left her? Thanks Sarah

Edited by Sarah on 8/1/2010 at 4:19 PM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,

Thank you for the questions, My daughter was enetering tenth grade at the time, and do to a second business in this community, we were debatingmoving but could not find a house. We decided not to move and to wait until she graduated from high school. When we told her she cried(unlike her) and that nightshe wrote my wife a nd i a three page letter telling us why she wanted to move. We were leaving a very small community, which we were an intergral part of. In her eyes she wanted a chance at a bigger schhol and new friends. There were pbly 30 girls in the previous community graduating class. She was finding hersmall circle of friends deminishing with the advent of boyfriends as well as the not so good choice that some of her friend s were maing. We found a house, embraced the move and all seemed well. She had no problem making new friends and became active in the new school.

My son blaims the change in my daughter in the choice of a boyfriend, as he believes she was happy until he came on the scene. Perhaps he is right.

She is a beautiful girl but percieves her self as being to heavy. She certainly is not a size 6 and is tall, and large breasted. She did put on some weight in college with the drinking that occurs and lousy eating and no longer plays sports ( was a basketball and soccer player) 1 and 1/2 years ago became a vegan, which lasted till she came home this summer, she is still a vegitarian. She works out quite a bit to control her weight with moderate success.

So yes the fall out with the boyfriend did hurt her and removed a cicle of mutual frinds that remain so loyal to him (chiildhood friends). She also has distanced her self from a girl Friend that nwho is quite dramaful and seems to make some questionalble moral choices.

My wife believes she has a loyalty problem with friends. So at home now she has few friends, she is in a soreity in college and seems to have many friends (similar to how she once was in our current community)

Any other questions feel free to ask

Chris

Expert:  Sarah replied 4 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I would agree with wife's view that your daughters issue stems around loyalty and also your son, who suggest the boyfriend may have had a huge impact. Sometimes when we experience highly emotional experiences, or experiences that totally go against what we believe, (like the rug of certainty has been pulled from under us) then the subconscious mind can generate beliefs that underpin how we live from then onwards. i am wondering if your daughters experiences of losing mutual friends when she also lost her boyfriend has led her subconsciously to question 'the point' behind having and keeping friends, putting effort into becoming close to them, 'when they will all leave you in the end anyway'. This may, or may not be something you can recognise from what your daughter has said since all of this happened. Even when your daughter makes new friends, the subconscious mind could be sitting on her shoulder like a parrot, saying what's the point, don't bother, don't get too close. the role of the subconscious mind is always to protect the self, and it could be encouraging your daughter not to enter a similar situation where the same will happen again . (This is how phobias are formed, for example, fear of getting on planes, etc.). if you were to ask your daughter about this, she may be able to identify with this, or she may not, because we are often not aware that these beliefs exist. the emotions she is feeling are the hurt from the past, not current hurt, that is triggered by current friends or situations.

So if this is ringing true, I would suggest that you seek therapy if you can from either a hypnotherapist ( who could also help with confidence and image issues) or an emdr therapist who would help to process away the subconscious beliefs, leaving your daughter free to use her conscious judgment on whether her relationships and friendships are worth pursuing, without all the emotional 'clutter' from the past. have a look on www.emdr.com fro more info about emdr and a therapist local to you, or where your daughter is going to be over the next few months if she is willing. Or search for a local hypnotherapist, who can teach your daughter to really relax deeply and feel strong within herself. If you really can't see a therapist, then talking about beliefs in the subconscious mind might help, but often isn't enough. I hope this is helpful. Best Wishes, Sarah

Edited by Sarah on 8/1/2010 at 5:23 PM EST

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