Yes, you touched on a few aspects that I couldn't fit in previously due to space.
This gentleman has two grown children whom lived in the state in which we lived before and he while claiming he wanted his children and the rest of his family a big part of his life has since moved away over 1100 miles from them. He in essence has chosen another woman and new state and area to live and he has no connections there or work or anything else. He has not once contributed anything in the way of this child of ours even thru mail an outfit, package of diapers, or gift card to buy supplies if he thought I might not use money appropriately.
Now the other issue is this man has had drug, alcohol, anger, temper, abuse, and various issues. We tried to set up therapeutic reintroduction and visits here with him but at last minute he weaseled out of them with my therapist and with the exchange club who would have supervised the visits. We have asked the courts to order therapeutic reintroduction, supervised visits for a time, drug/alcohol therapy, and anger/management. While we are currently waiting to hear what the judge to decide what all will be involved I have to take a proactive approach for my daughter's best interest and not be reactive when something happens that may with his history be too late. Does that make sense?
During the 3 2hr. visits in April my friend, my daughter's surrogate Aunt (so to speak) was asked to accompany, by the judge, these visits for my daughter's comfort and security. While at these visits she never once heard my ex tell my daughter he loves her and my daughter continuously resisted him picking her up or trying to show her any kind of attention. these visits were taped and shows her keeping her distance and actually reacting to another man who was there more with handing him things and sharing with him. My therapist has reviewed these visits on the DVD and is highly concerned that my ex shows no parental instincts at all and in fact did try to interact with her but simply he is a stranger and she doesn't know him from Adam.
You eluded to him popping in and out of her life which is what we feel has been shown already and will continue, along with his history of substance abuse and abusive behaviors it would only be the right thing to do to protect my daughter. My therapist feels strongly that only he will cause much mental, verbal, and emotional distress to my daughter because he lives 1000 miles away and will not jump thru the hoops to see her or have consistent, ongoing contact and his other issues. My therapist after dealing with me and somewhat seeing my ex thru his in action and correspondence thru attys.,etc. feels he suffers a personality disorder and that would take long term therapy on his part, a min. of 7 yrs to begin to get to the meat of the matters.
Do this give you more insight and help you in looking at this issue? Can you understand my dilema and why I battle so hard with this? In my heart of hearts I wish like crazy for them to have a relationship and it be productive and nurturing but yet all the evidence and advice tells me this might not be in the cards at least not best for my daughter and since she is 2this will effect her for the rest of her life in trust issues and attachment issues.
Yes sir....I have been in therapy for over 1.5yrs. due to mostly this issue itself and the loss of my father. My attendance in therapy is twice a week by my own choosing as I feel I need this balance for awhile in the face of this adversity. This has been very difficult for me to accept what has happened and is happening and the reality of it and where the lapse of my radar/judgement occurred. I must say that upon meeting and getting involved with this man my father had just passed away after 2yrs of fighting for his life with cancer. Our meeting took place only about 1mos. after this happened and I was grieving, vulnerable, extremely depressed, and coping with the fact I had to decide to turn off the life support to my father.
Normally, I would not associate or have any kind of relations with someone like him as everyone who knows me is aware of the type of person I am and what type of caliber of character I expect and associate with.
While my lack of judgement is by no means an excuse but I have learned it is a factor and somewhat a reason for what could have caused me to look for a acceptance and my sense of neediness. I hate that about me because I am not easy on myself and have not come to allow myself mistakes at all. I am very hard and have high expectations. Simply put this is my second therapist that looking at this fella has come to realize and classify him as only in two words a psychopath and sociopath. While doesn't let me off the hook for my responsibilities it does lend to how hard and convincing his personality was and how I could have been fooled and drawn in. Now I truly struggle mostly with forgiving myself and trying to get back into the game of life and trusting anyone but also dealing with what I must where my daughter is concerned. I feel good that I have a pretty good handle on my daughter and that situation....now just doing it. Myself is still a difficult issue as I haven't dated or had any interest or allowed myself in the situation to be around men to experience nature's course in over 17 mos. I stay to myself and focus only on my daughter and doing only what needs to be done or has to be done. I guess the only way to cure this is time and getting these court proceedings to an end.