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Suzanne
Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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Hello, My names Andrew. I recently moved out of my girlfriends

Resolved Question:

Hello,

My name'sXXXXX recently moved out of my girlfriend's flat and I'm having trouble recognising if I did the right thing. She desperately wants me to come back, calls me and cries even over the phone.
The problem is that I couldn't and still cannot cope with the fact that she cheated on me. About 2 years ago we came to the UK and THAT happened short time later. We stayed at my friend's house and he was the other person involved. I still feel that I was treated like crap and just can't get over that. She claims to be regretting what happened and I don't know how much truth is in what she says. I don't know if I can trust her again. That other guy turned out to be nobody worth the effort and I feel that she wouldn't care about me if he was normal. At the same time, I feel like she's the only one who really knows me and understands. My family hates her and, in fact, they're unaware that we've been together since THAT time. I just don't know what to do..
Please, excuse me if this is to trivial for a professional therapist.

Regards,
Andrew
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for bringing your question to JustAnswer.

 

No, this is not a trivial question!

 

Being in a healthy relationship involves being able to trust one another. You don't have that.

 

A healthy relationship makes you feel like your "best self"...it doesn't sound like you have that either.

 

I always find it interesting to note what information people chose to put in their short descriptions of their situation....and you wrote that your family hates her, and you've hidden the relationship. Do you want to go through life with tension with your family? Unless there is some history with them to contradict this, most families want to see their children happy...and they see something in this girl that makes them fear for your happiness.

 

When we're first in love, and the physical attraction is strong, sometimes we get swept away in the romance of it all....without doing "due diligence" in checking our partner's character.

 

Tying your life to someone who cheats, and who your family hates is not the recipe for a happy life. Knowing and understanding you is great---but if she knows and understands you so well, why did she cheat-- she had to know how much it would hurt you. Anyone would feel hurt at that.

 

I believe you made the right decision to leave. Try to ignore the drama of the tears. She didn't seem to mind hurting you by cheating...and this is the natural consequence of her actions.

 

Once you are a few weeks away from this situation, I believe you will look back with relief, not regret.

 

If this has been helpful, please click ACCEPT.

 

Suzanne, LCSW

 

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
To me, that's the logical look at the whole situation. But some people forgive each other such things, don't they?
The whole thing is made more difficult by the fact that we've been together since THEN and it hasn't been all that bad. It's just about two moths back that it started to bother me really hard. I've had some "low moments" with that before but they would go over after a couple of days. This time it feels somewhat different especially because it lasts longer. I feel even worse knowing that the can't pull herself together. I'm afraid something bad will happen to her because of that. It would've been easier for me if she reacted with anger and hate but sie didn't. She's been crying since I left. She hasn't slept much since I left (I know because I get phone calls at 3am) and she can't eat. I feel responsible for her to some extent.

Andrew
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for the additional information.

 

Yes, some people do forgive such things. Usually people who have a long history together, and a foundation of trust.

 

I think it would be wise for you to talk to a counselor in person. If her behavior has been perfectly trustworthy at all times except for that early mistake...it may be time to take a look at why you can't let go of those hurt feelings.

 

My experience in these types of situations tells me that there may have been other indications of untrustworthiness now with her that is making you think back to that early betrayal. If not, see a counselor.

 

Tears and not eating are not uncommon at the end of a relationship. If she makes threats of harming herself, send professional help. Do not let such threats frighten you back into a relationship...as that can be emotional blackmail.

 

I know this is hard for you, and you feel some responsibility for her. But you first need to decide if this is a problem of yours (inability to forgive) or hers (inability to be trustworthy). Don't go back into a situation that makes you uneasy or uncomfortable just because she is upset. I expect that you are upset too...but these feelings will fade over time. Some time apart and counseling will help you sort out your feelings and whether this relationship deserves another try.

 

Best Regards,

Suzanne LCSW Please click on ACCEPT if this has been helpful.

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Well, we've been together almost 4 years now. She left another guy to be with me (another thing I feel really bad about). All this time I've been with her my mom and sister were against it.
I fear that she won't be able to cope financially and also that my family will not understand if I decide that I want to stay with her.
About the forgiving thing - that has always been difficult for me. When something bad happens, I just remember it permanently. I can't remeber good things as clearly as I remeber bad things, so maybe it's just me.
Since THAT happened, I can't really recall any sings of further unfaithfulness on her side but then again I don't read her e-mails or text messages on her phone.
On the other hand, while being with her, she wouldn't really let me do things which didn't involve her. One time, a friend invited us for his birthday and she didn't want to go. I did and so she she said that she would go with me if I didn't want to stay with her. I try to work on music during the weekends and that means going out to studios and stuff like that and that also would be hard to accept for her. She would claim that we practically don't see each other (even though we lived together and work same hours). Things like this just make me want to turn around a go away.

Please, excuse me for my English - it's not my native language..

Andrew
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Andrew,

 

You express yourself very well in English...no worries.

 

There is another red flag in this note...she got involved with you while with someone else. This is a very bad sign of someone who doesn't take relationships seriously. No wonder you have a problem trusting her...she's actually cheated twice since you've known her...once with you, and once with your friend.

 

Relationships that start with cheating rarely end up well.

 

It sounds like she is still quite immature, and cannot tolerate normal time apart, and does not have her own interests. Do you really want to be with someone who wants to keep you away from your music and your family? You are still young and will have many more opportunities to meet someone more mature and compatible with you.

 

Only you can know what is truly in your heart, but from everything that you have written, it sounds like it is time to move on.

Suzanne

Please click ACCEPT if this has been helpful.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Maybe it would be easier for me if I knew that she will cope by herself. But now she'll have to move out of the studio flat we lived in to support herself (eventhough she earns quite a bit more than I do) and I just feel bad to have put her in this situation.
She has interests of her own which I think I've always supported and ecouraged her in (mainly photography) and coming into the UK has open a variety of possibilities for her in expanding her talent and putting it to a better use.
The thing with my heart is that I just don't know what's in there. On one hand I want to leave and start my life over but on the other hand I'm just afraid I will be alone for the rest of my life. I know life is nothing to be afraid of but still that fear sits on my shoulder. Plus, I don't want her to fall into further problems..

Andrew
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Andrew,

 

Nothing you are saying tells me that you love this girl anymore.

 

You feel guilty...but she makes more than you.

 

She has her own interests and talents, yet you said she resented you going to the studio to work on your music.

 

The fear of not finding someone else is not a reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. There is always a period of discomfort when a relationship ends. People have to move, get used to new routines, find a way to make more money, etc, etc, etc. But this is just part of the process, and the fear and discomfort are part of life.

 

I can only give you my opinion, based on years of working with people in relationships.

It will be rough for a while, for both of you. But eventually, with time, you will both survive and thrive.

Suzanne

Please click Accept if this correspondence has been helpful.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So in the end it's better if I move on, right?
I suppose it's just a matter of getting used to the new situation..

Andrew
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

That's how it seems based on the information you gave me.

 

And yes, the adjustment can take time. Even though you made the decision to leave, there can still be heartache involved..

 

I hope this has been helpful in getting your thoughts sorted out. Don't forget to click ACCEPT so I get credited for our correspondence back and forth.

 

I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

Suzanne, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.
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Suzanne
Suzanne
Therapist in Private Practice
580 Satisfied Customers
LCSW, RN. Mental Health, Relationship & Parenting issues.EMDR, Hypnosis.