You sound very scared and confused.
I can hear in your question that you are concerned about engaging in behaviors that are harmful. This often comes from a past where a person was placed into situations where the coping abilities that they did have were inadequate to the situation(s). These events often occur in childhood or in young teen years.
I see that you have been to a number of therapists and routes, including ECT, hospitalization and so on. You must feel quite discouraged, perhaps more at this point.
Know this: You have free choice and can cope in ways that are not self destructive.There is no magic to it, no quick answers. It took you awhile to get to the place you are now and it will take some time to back out of it. During the process you may feel odd, unusual, or even filled with anxiety. You will need the support of a therapist, clergy or similar mentor in your recovery.
I would highly suggest exploring support options, especially a combination of one on one counseling and groups.
I know this situation feels overwhelming now, but you do have choice and can make changes; healthy ones...Remember: Feeling that you cannot cope is never the same as being able to do so. In many cases feelings are deceptive and not totally accurate.
Take and make some solid plans to pursue healthy supports. Minimize your feelings for now and take small behavioral steps toward your goals.
Thank you so for replying
I do except the comforting answer. Though there is a thick wall that I don't seem to be able to break. I have been hospitalized for three months at four winds for PTSD. They have been very helpful there/ learned quite an amount of DBT skills and practiced them when I was in desperate need of help. It has been a lifesaver but after a while I slowly felt myself being drawn into this black hole. this has been happening very often and I have given up hope. Now I have contacted just answer for a last measure but don't take this personal, you have answered and it does sound right but I still feel so down and hopeless. I do not want to go for help. the reason being, I had to say goodbye to quite some people that I have trusted and I cant bare to do that again so I chose to isolate knowing very well that this is a very bad choice. but both ways I choose I end up hurting. you don't have to answer to this because I am such a stubborn idiot with out wanting to be. Its as if my stubbornness has taken over my control.
Thank you anyway and yes I do accept your reply.
thank you again