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Annie Murdach
Annie Murdach, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Master's degree in Educational Psychology and Counselor Education. LCPC in Illlinois
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BTW, one other thing, the mother of my friend was also molested

Customer Question

BTW, one other thing, the mother of my friend was also molested by a family member so this is a two generational thing. Again I am doing a self diagnosis but the signs all point to bpd. I want to help my friend but I also want to stay sane in the process. I unfortunately have fallen in love with her too. She can be quite seductive which can cloud my judgement of course. She can also be very sweet and giving as well as empathetic, all hot buttons for me but she can totally disavow all that has occurred. Is this something I should stay around for as I am quite compelled and not only for her sake, as she gives me a sense of real purpose and it hits a real chord in my soul of giving.

Thanks again.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Annie Murdach replied 4 years ago.
Hi and thanks for using Just Answer.

There is no cure for Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder deals with YEARS of difficulties with chaotic relationships, inappropriate behaviors and unstable moods. Medication will not fix the problems, it requires years of intense therapy to retrain the way a person thinks and acts. There is no quick fix and it can take quite a long time to see any progress. Getting involved in this relationship can and will have some destructive effects on you. You have to ask yourself if you are up for it as you will certainly be tested and pushed to your limits more times than you expect. These ladies need professional help and if they are not willing to try that, there is very little hope. If you decide to pursue this relationship, I would recommend you get some therapy for yourself as you will need the support and coping skills to deal with BPD symptoms. Best of luck with your dilemma.
Annie Murdach, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience: Master's degree in Educational Psychology and Counselor Education. LCPC in Illlinois
Annie Murdach and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Annie,

Here are more of the facts in order for you to make a more informed decision. Sorry I ommitted them before. They are pieced together to the first ? I sent you I believe.

Sincerely,
T



I have a very perplexing ?, at least for me. I unfortunately fell in love with a woman who I believe has bpd. She lives long distance and I have been out to visit her fixing her problems with work overload and the loss of her best friend. Coincidentally I met her on a plane coming back from that funeral as I was coming home from Thanksgiving. We are from the same area in the MW-a very rural and poor area, and we both relate to each other very very well having similar backgrounds which drew me in-additonally both of us coming from extremely intelligent parents. I guess I have a need to fix and make her feel better...,my father btw is a psychologist-PhD-....yes go figure and he fixed my mother who is brilliant but was abandoned as a child from her parents, one of whom was her mom who was diagnosed as schizophrenic and institutionalized most of her adulthood/though extremely sweet with no boundaries and a genius in addition to being a star athlete for women as quoted in the NY Times. My father rescued my mother so maybe I feel I need to carry the torch. Be it as it may, I find this lady in TX extremely attractive and I believe in my heart that I love her dearly and would do anything to make her happy.

My friend's mom abandoned her when she was young and my friend was molested by her father...yes all the classical signs of bpd. Her mom was apparently molested as well. Her son btw may have been diagnosed with this too and unfortunately for me, we get along really great adding to the confusion in my head.

Optional Information:
Gender: Male
Age: 52





My primary function it seems is to be an ear and being there whenever requested, like the last visit for her son. Unfortunately, there is a boyfriend-serious born again Christian toting the bible around everywhere-which scares the hell out of me- in the mix who is very demanding having two children of his own, one of which is autistic-8 y.o. and the other severely, ADD-10 y. o. all of them living with his mother-addionallly they don't sound too educated and possibly prejudiced. My friend herself has two children herself, the one I mentioned, 17, diagnosed with bpd, and another, 14-both btw children of she and her husband, of Peruvian and PR descent. She is divorced and has joint custody with her X who lives 5 miles away. Recently the 17 yr. old has a crisis cutting his wrists followed up by a visit 3 weeks later from the police whereby he sent threatening messages to an admirer that he was going to consider killing himself-a very traumatic experience as I had to deal with the X's new wife who was hostile and protective at best as the X was out of town. The X later came back to town on business acting like a friend to me to find out what happened seeing me briefly and then wrote a very castigating and threatening email to my friend. From that point on, things went downhill in terms of her sharing and divulging her feelings to me. She apparently got really scared with the exchange from her X. I want to help but feel powerless as I see the train wreck occurring with relationship and how it will affect the relationship with her son.



Is there any way I can be of assistance to this woman? I want to have her avoid the inevitable issue that will occur at all costs. I really care about this lady. I also have been out to visit four times, the first to see if the chemistry we had at the airport when we met was real, the other three to put out fires-visits 2 and 3 to cope with her job closing down to to a viscous takeover battle at work where everyone got phased out-working in the oil patch for the past three years.

I know it is an uphill battle to say the least. BTW, she does engage in wild consumptive bouts of drinking vino, even though she is slight-95 lb.-5 ' tall. She also unfortunately conssumes her meds sporadically of which I know one is zanax and occasional sleeping pills as she can not sleep. She consults with a therapist over the phone-who incidentally is a friend of her mothers-biased??-no matter the advice even if well meaning??. I do want to be there for her. Is my life destined for hell if so? I don't want to abandon her as I fear all have in the past. Maybe I am sadomasochistic but I can go through a lot. Maybe I want to be thought of as the savior, who the hell knows. I care at the minimum. Her son really cares for me and he hardly opens up to anyone. It is a tough situation as I know he will attempt to do something again. My father- believes that he suffers from "invalidation". Unfortunately the X is a serious narcissist-fitting all the patterns coupling with an bpd, and denies that his son has a problem that can not be cured. He intervenes in the counceling of the son and tells the therapist btw that thte fault lies with the son's mother. That is not going to cure this boy in my mind. This kid is sweet but has rage underneath. How can I help here-the kid trusts me even though the father does not want him to interact with me. He apparently wrote a letter to my friend stating that I might not be there in the future. I believe the thrust of the letter was to scare her so that she wou;d phase me out. I also believe at a level my friend really cares about me as she texted me last night after a 5 day hiatus saying that she hoped I was out on a date and having fun and that she always wished the best for me....this after attempting to call me which I did not see as I was writing you. So you know, just one month ago when I was with her during the last crisis for her son, and her daughter as well-a court appearance for JV detention because her daughter confronted a bully and they were both sent to detention-TX law, she was extremely doting and affectionate, as well as seductive and genuinely appreciative. When I left, she said, I have an open date to come back any time I desired. Now it is like those words were never spoken. Also, there was a point in time in the Spring when she phased out her bf, with her admitting that relationship was not healthy for her and she was dating me....long distance. We spoke on the phone almost every other night for a few hours at a time. She seems to like to share much of herself...unfortunately at odd hours like 3:30 in the morning. She claimed I was the substitute for her best friend of 30 plus years who died-incidentally from oxycotin poisoning. There seems to be that soul connection. I am here and her- on again- bf is out there locally though I told her I would be willing to move...if she wanted me to. I ask you these ?'s as I do really care. I think I have the perserverence to take care of this woman and alleviate her fears in time-agoraphobia, amongst others. I hear what you are saying about the additional therapy I will need on my part which I am more than happy to get to cope. Thank you again and I hope this gives you a more comprehensive view to base your sage advice.
Expert:  Annie Murdach replied 4 years ago.
Wow, thanks for the extra info. It does not change my original opinion although it sounds like you are already in "deep" with this situation. This family really does need professional help from an uninvolved party. A friend of the mother's is not good enough. Your best hope is to encourage them to do so. It sounds like the son could use some support as well. Would they be willing to do group counseling if nothing else? Even if you have as you say the perseverance to take care of this woman, do you have enough to take on the entire family, even the ex? They will all play big roles in your friend's progress. It is possible there is something else going on here based on the symptoms you are describing, bipolar disorder maybe? Just a guess but again she needs professional help. Self medicating with alcohol certainly does not seem to be helping the situation. If she is aware she needs help, maybe she would be at least willing to see her family doctor to screen for mood disorders. It won't fix the problems but may alleviate some of the symptoms so she can work on the others. I wish you the best. You certainly have a big heart.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you Annie. I know, I seem heartbroken now and am trying to wile the time away by working to death. I am hoping she will come to her senses. Maybe I have to let the bf situation play out. To me it is like looking into a loaded shotgun. Something seems lurking beneath the surface and she seems to have picked this even though the IQ quotient is very low as she thinks she can control it. I don't think so based on what I know about BPD after she gains control and then he acts out. He clearly needs a caretaker for his kids. The ADD kid seems to be a very serious brat which will grate on her after awhile I feel. I always told her the apple does not fall far from the tree.

I will hang in there and I do thank you for your heartfelt opinion. I think it good advice to get another therapist. Maybe she knows this and will then use it as a stepping stone to something else but my guess and greatest fear is that the narcississistic X will push her boy and he will have a serious episode. I forgot to add that he was hospitalized last year before I knew him for one month. The X btw during the most recent episode got him released from the police with a rubber stamp as he was to go to Europe the next day with his grandma. To me that was playing Russian roulette.

Thanks again. Is there a way I can compensate you for your opinion and time? Should I just reload my MC?

T
Expert:  Annie Murdach replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for your kind words but you have already paid, no more needed.

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