How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, I have a very perplexing , at least for me. I unfortunately

Customer Question

Hi,

I have a very perplexing ?, at least for me. I unfortunately fell in love with a woman who I believe has bpd. She lives long distance and I have been out to visit her fixing her problems with work overload and the loss of her best friend. Coincidentally I met her on a plane coming back from that funeral as I was coming home from Thanksgiving. We are from the same area in the MW and we both relate to each other very well which drew me in. I guess I have a need to fix and make her feel better...,my father btw is a psychologist....yes go figure and he fixed my mother who is brilliant but was abandoned as a child from her parents, one of whom was her mom who was diagnosed as schizo./ though quite brilliant. My friends mom abandoned her when she was young and she was molested by her father...yes all the classical signs of bpd. My ? stems from this. Can I help this lady? I have very deep feelings for her. Her son btw may have been diagnosed with this too and unfortunately for me, we get along really great adding to the confusion in my head.

Sorry to be so long winded but I wanted to give you some background and the facts.

Thank you.

T
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I assume that you mean Borderline Personality Disorder, rather than Bipolar Disorder. It seems that you are getting into a situation that you will probably not be able to fix, and in a sense may drag yourself into a terrible situation that will bring no joy, and end badly.

Do you want to "fix" this woman because you would then be following in the footsteps of your dad, who fixed his wife? You must question these motives as they seem to be part of your thinking.

I see you heading towards a shipwreck. You plan seems misconceived, and you seem to be disregarding all of the important facts:
  • The woman does not live close by
  • She may be suffering from a disorder that is very hard to cure or make better
  • She already has a boyfriend, who sounds like he might be a lot more difficult to handle, and you will have to get past him first.
  • She is living in a totally dysfunctional family, with three of the four children major concerns.
  • There is also an ex-husband in the picture, who adds to the unknown
  • You probably don't know most of the background yet, but the worst is usually kept in the shadows.
You say that you have strong feelings for this woman whom you hardly know. Perhaps you are attached to have the opportunity to be a healer. You can see the light and ease these feelings out of your mind. They are dysfunctional.

My frank advice to you is to run away from this scene. It is futile. You will not win. You will lose. Please stop deluding yourself, unless you have an unconscious desire for self-abuse, endless stress, self-sabotage, and crushing anxiety.

Though I do not support your plan, I do support you and have given you what I deem good advice. If I have given you important food for thought, or a reality check, please accept my answer and allow me to continue the important work of helping others in pain and need.

Courage and blessings,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Elliott,<br /><br />Is there any way I can be of assistance to this woman? I just see a train wreck as you predict too. I want to have her avoid that at all costs. And yes I did mean borderline pers. disorder, sorry about the initials. I really care about this lady. I also have been out there four times. I know it is an uphill battle to say the least. BTW, she does engage in wild consumptive bouts of drinking vino, even though she is slight-95 lb.-5 ' tall. She also unfortunately conssumes her meds sporadically of which I know one is zanax and occasional sleeping pills as she can not sleep. She consults with a therapist over the phone-who incidentally is a friend of her mothers-biased??-no matter the advice even if well meaning??. I do want to be there for her. Is my life destined for hell if so? I don't want to abandon her as I fear all have in the past. Maybe I am sadomasochistic but I can go through a lot. Maybe I want to be thought of as the savior, who the hell knows. I care at the minimum. Her son really cares for me and he hardly opens up to anyone. It is a tough situation as I know he will attempt to do something again. My father-again a PhD in the field, believes that he suffers from "invalidation". Unfortunately the X who has met me is a serious narcissist-fitting all the patterns coupling with an bpd, and denies that his son has a problem that can not be cured. He intervenes in the counceling of the son and tells the therapist btw that thte fault lies with the son's mother. That is not going to cure this boy in my mind. This kid is sweet but has rage underneath. How can I help here-the kid trusts me even though the father does not want him to interact with me. He apparently wrote a letter to my friend stating that I might not be there in the future. I believe the thrust of the letter was to scare her so that she wou;d phase me out. I also believe at a level my friend really cares about me as she texted me last night after a 5 day hiatus saying that she hoped I was out on a date and having fun and that she always wished the best for me....this after attempting to call me which I did not see as I was writing you.  So you know, just one month ago when I was with her during the last crisis for her son, and her daughter as well-a court appearance for JV detention because her daughter confronted a bully and they were both sent to detention-TX law, she was extremely doting and affectionate as well as genuinely appreciative. When I left, she said, I have an open date to come back any time I desired. Now it is like those words were never spoken. Also, there was a point in time in the Spring when she was phase out her bf, with her admitting that relationship was not healthy for her and she was dating me....long distance.  We spoke on the phone almost every other night for a few hours at a time. She seems to like to share much of herself...unfortunately at odd hours like 3:30 in the morning. She claimed I was the substitute for her best friend of 30 plus years who died-incidentally from oxycotin poisoning.  There seems to be a deep soul connection.  I am here and her on again bf is out there locally though I told her I would be willing to move...if she wanted me to. I ask you these ?'s as I do really care. I think I have the perserverence to take care of this woman and alleviate her fears in time-agoraphobia, amongst others. <br /><br />Thank you again and I hope this gives you a more comprehensive view to base your sage advice. 
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Your situation seems even more fraught with difficulties than previously described. She is not well served getting on line help for one of the most intractable problems in mental health.

You have a tremendous desire to be a helper and you can. At your age you could easily go back to school and get a degree in mental health counseling or clinical social work, and be better qualified than you are now to help.

You seem to be in complete denial about this situation. Of course most people in desperate situations will be pleased and happy to get help from someone. I think that the best thing for you to do is to stay where you are and stop obsessing about this woman. It is not healthy for you. You may be the toughest person in the world, and be prepared to pass through the fires of perfidy, but you will only get burned.

You have talked yourself into this "romance". She sees it, and one side of her is willing to take whatever you give her; the other side is hoping that you are having your own life, hoped you were out on a date and having fun and having a real life.

You want someone to say, "go ahead, take a chance, nothing ventured, nothing gained"
I would serve you poorly by encouraging you. You are so much in denial of reality, and your behavior is very obsessive. It seems that you need HER more than she needs you.

My sage and heartfelt advice to a man who is naturally kind and wants to lend a hand and be a saviour is to tell you that good intentions, hope, an overblown sense of your own power to heal, and a skewed sense of reality, will destroy you.

I would suggest face-to-face counseling for yourself to confirm what you don't want to admit. You are clearly heading over cliff but you just can't face it.

I do wish you the best and hope that you will try to be reasonable and honest with yourself, as I have.

Please accept my good advice, and accept my heartfelt answer.

Courage and strength,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Elliott. It is not what I hoped to hear but I know you are looking at this from a bird's eye view and much knowledge. It is hard to let go of this woman. I don't know why as we have much in common as well. I sometimes wonder if I have BPD to be attracted to her as I am. Obsessive personality I do have as I was taught to do things to excellence.

Thanks again.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear brother,

You might investigate OCD instead of BPD. I don't think you have a disorder, but you are very fixated on the almost unattainable.

Bless you, and good luck.

Elliott

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education