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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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Hello, I am a very confused 47 year old woman,I had a very

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Hello, I am a very confused 47 year old woman,I had a very intense, passionate relationship with Lee that ended 2 years ago. We traveled alot, we where always together and he introduced me to his friends and family as his significant other, then we talked about living together. There was a lot of alcohol and sex in the relationship. A week after our 1 year anniversary of dating on a Sunday, he kissed me good bye, said I love you, then did not call for 3 weeks and said it was over, I could come and get my things. When I went to pick up my things, we talked, I ended up having sex and spending the night..Yes stupid mistake.For the next 6 months we remained "semi" dating and being sexual, there where times he said he made a mistake, but never asked to get back together. This went on another 8 months and then I got sick of it and told him how I really felt in Jan, he said I was seeking a relationship and he was not. After that I did not speak to him for a month and 1/2 and started to feel better. I went in theraphy which was awful because she ended up telling me her problems, however I did get a few things out of it. We reconnected and he was so concerned about how I wanted to be friends and how he should be, we agreed no sex. I have always been puzzled by him always being so concerned about this kind of thing. Like he did not want me but did not want to let go either, it is still that

Since all of that, and beginning to move on, I started to reconnect with someone I breifly dated 4 years ago, we always remained friends and stayed vagely in touch. In the past 2 months we have become better friends, he told me 3 weeks ago he would like to date and we can go very slow. I am TERRIFIED! and have been keeping him at arms length. Of Course all of a sudden Lee seemed to be more interested.and for some stupid reason I went to dinner with him last night and told him I was dating some one, he said he was 'delighted', however his face said otherwise. We finally talked alot about our relationship and he kept apoligzing. I ended up spending the night..AAAhhh When I went to his house there where all kinds of booze bottles and I realized I think he is an alcoholic. What I heard is that I am not satisfied, (though I have not been sexual with anyone else). He would be ok to have a sexual relationship with me. I see he has no boundries anywhere.. Why can I not get over this person???? Was I so rejected?? Am I addicted?? Please give me some insight
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these problems. I think you are stuck in a classic relationship that revolves around not wanting to be abandoned, as opposed to any true feelings of love or connection. I don't think it's relevant whether or not Lee is an alcoholic. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you - but he's OK to have sex with you. That's all that's about. Don't kid yourself into believing that he has deeper feelings for you that he's afraid to express. That's a female fantasy, and one that gets many women stuck in your situation for years on end. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Period. If he seemed disappointed that you were interested in someone else, I suspect that's because he knows that means you won't be available for sex anymore. You're right - he has no boundaries. But you need to do some work on yours also. You are compelled to be with him because he rejected you. Another trap women tend to fall into. Don't let you ego get in the way of making a decision here. This isn't about you. This is about him. You don't need to prove to him that you really are worth his time. He's not worth YOUR time. Yes, you are in a sense addicted to trying to change your feelings of rejection. Move on and find someone who is willing to be in a relationship with you and not just toy with your feelings. Someday you will be glad he did you the favor of ending things!

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
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