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Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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I understand that I dont trust myself with my choices of men

Resolved Question:

I understand that I dont trust myself with my choices of men so have avoided it, proffessionaly I have been successful and travel regulary.
I have been having a affair (on and off) with a married man for over 28 years (we met when we were 18), I have never been involved with him if I have been in a relashionship.
We have been friends for so long, the friendship seems seperate to sex.. he always steps back if I get involved with some one (he has no choice.. he is the one having the affair, not me..?! well, I guess thats the way I make it ok in my head) In the last 28 years I was married for 12 years and had a partner for 5 years, they were both controling and drinking problems, with all the bells and whistles to go with it. My friend / lover (who is TOTALY different to my partners) and I give each other emotional support and we are honest with each other, we are not in love and would not like to see anyone be hurt... I seem at peace with it.. I know deep down I have to make some changes to the type of man Im attracted to if I am to move forward.. but I feel safe staying with my life as it is.. is this normal?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear that you are finding yourself in this situation, but I'm glad that you are willing to look at your life and see what you can change to make things better.

It is always easier to stay where you are than to put the effort into changing. Even if your life isn't very satisfying, it feels safe because you know it and you know how it all works (or doesn't). So yes, it's perfectly normal to want things to be different - but to not want to have to change anything!

But if you are serious about learning more about yourself and why you seem to attract the same kind of dysfunctional man, then I would suggest to talk with a therapist for awhile so you can better understand yourself and what it is that draws you to these kinds of men. It is obviously some type of self-esteem issue (you don't believe you deserve better) - but everyone is different and you need to understand exactly why this is the case for you. Therapy can help you figure that out.

In terms of the affair, you know it would be better to end that relationship and not see him. Your guilt over that (even if not conscious) could be what's keeping you from finding the right relationship for yourself.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience: 20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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