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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I appreciate your honesty and from what you say, these are

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I appreciate your honesty and from what you say, these are things I have been feeling for a very long time. It appears all of this started with my husbands ex-wife whom is also a narcisist, but not to the extreme my stepdaughter seems to be. Having her dad marry me and move away from her due to his job transfer which was devestating to her even though we did fly her out twice a year and when we were in her state, saw her as much as possible. My husband is amiable and does not like confrontation, let alone having those horrible memories arrise from his divorce come back. I talk with him quite a bit to help him to understand her illness so he can deal with it appropriately. Our marriage is a solid one but yes, I fear that this could cause problems due to the fact she will not let him see his grandkids. I did talk with my husband about it already. I do not want him to blame me for him not being able to see his grandkids. I would luv to see her happy and not so full of envy/hate for me. I realize there would be a lot of ground to cover with you from the past and yes I was thinking of seeing someone to discuss where I go from here. At this point in time, I feel the need to lie low till I can figure out the best thing to do to mend this if any. We went thru this once before, she lashed out at her dad and said some horrible things. We went to counselor at that time and he indicated that there was not much he could do unless she was there too.
I've tried over the years to form a bonding relationship with her but it just has not happened. I do not play games with people's feelings. My husband and I are not the perfect people and do make mistakes. I am wondering how long we should wait before we regain comminication and when we do regain communication, who should be the one to communicate with her?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 6 years ago.
Hello and Welcome to JustAnswer. Your question is not closed until you are satisfied with the answer. This appears to be a follow up from a question I answered for you previously. To avoid confusion in the future, please indicate "For Carol" at the beginning of your question.

This is indeed a terrible situation. Your step-daughter is furious at both you and her Dad for moving away and probably still angry about the divorce. She resents you for intruding on her life in a parental role. If she is narcissistic she is operating at a 2-3 year old level emotionally. It is very important to validate her feelings whether or not you agree with them. That means don't defend yourself and let her vent to you. Consider it a gift that she trusts you enough with her feelings to be honest.

As for the next contact, I would wait until a birthday or major holiday, such as Thanksgiving, and Dad should be the one to contact her. He needs to say that he wants to start fresh and move forward. He should be prepared to hear any vitriol that she may wish to produce and let it go right past him. He should keep saying he wants to move forward. This is the only way to make any progress with her.

If he is not up to this task, he should meet with a counselor before he contacts her in order to go over what he wants to say and how he should handle her anger. There is no substitution for this step. It is necessary for the healing to begin.

My very best to all of you.
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