Hello and thanks for your question.
There is a theory that all of us have within us a child self, an adult self and a parent self, each of which steps forward and is strong at various times in our life. The child is often self indulgent in life, perhaps even selfish. The parent is the law-giver, the one with all the 'right' advice, the 'proper way of doing things'. The adult is able to make decisions bed on all relevant information, everyone's feelings, in an adult way. Sometimes when clients have experienced emotional occurrences as a child, the child remains hurt and sad
, and remains dominant over time, the influence of the child staying very strong, even in later years. As the child self is strong, a sexual relationship can sometimes seem out of reach, as children are intended to be non-sexual beings. I am wondering if your lack of a sexual relationship is less about your sexual orientation and more about your ability to step forward as the adult rather than the child. Your strong feelings for a female friend could be your mind trying to understand why you have not had a relationship with men, but your fantasies of your friend in a sexual way with her partner suggests that your subconscious mind knows that you have no role in that partnership.
It is possible to explore these theories with a therapist and if you feel they might be relevant, you might want to seek a hypnotherapist to help you to do this. If you feel that the child in you needs to find something that was a missing as a child, or to heal some kind of hurt, or to complete some unfinished business, then find a hypnotherapist who offers Inner Child Healing.
It is possible that the feelings of hurt in your chest are a recurrence of hurt from the past - would that make any sense? Would you be able to think of an occurrence when you have felt that feeling before? It could be something from a very long time ago. If so, it might be worth looking into a therapy call EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) which allows you to let go of memories and emotions from the past that are holding you back. This might not be relevant to you at all and if so, it is not necessary for you to worry about it.
I hope this information is helpful - please feel free to ask further questions if you wish, or to give more info. Bets Wishes, Sarah