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Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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I had typed this question and then I hit accept earlier, but

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I had typed this question and then I hit accept earlier, but it didn't seem to be sent. Sorry if you are getting this twice.
Thanks for your direct response. It is true that my husband has been very direct in telling me he feels second, etc. Where my frustration comes in is that nothing I do seems good enough and he's very critical of my family. This pushes me further from him. They are good people who care about me and I feel comfortable and happy with them (for the most part). He says that I value them more than they value me. This infuriates me. I don't believe it to be true. I feel stable and comfortable around them. I'm angry at myself because when we married, I knew who he was/what he was like (somewhat closed off). I just want to relax and feel comfortable. I feel inferior to the people around me who seem to be in happy marriages.
I fully expected you to suggest marriage counseling. I have begged him to go. He will not. I have reservations simply because of logistics (time off work, money) but would do anything to make this better. Is it worth it for me to go alone if he continues to refuse? Any tips on choosing the "right" counselor? I truly got a lot out of the Christian counseling that I got in the past, but my marriage problems have not been resolved. It was a good first step and it was affordable.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi again. Yes, it is absolutely worth it for you to go alone if he refuses. If nothing else, it will help you get a better perspective on the problem so you can be clearer about what is your responsibility and what is his. It's a shame he won't go - maybe he will change his mind if you go without him. But I would encourage you to tell him that you are willing to work on things, but that he has to participate so that the two of you can work on it together. If he refuses, you have no choice but to do it alone.

In terms of choosing the right counselor, do some online searching in your area and see who is available. Then contact them and ask for a consultation - which they will likely offer at no charge (either on the phone or in person). You can ask about credentials, etc, as they are important. But it's even more important that you find someone that you can be comfortable talking with and that you have a good feeling about. That's one of the most important criteria. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees if money is an issue. Good luck with everything, and please let me know if I can help you in the future. Tamara
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