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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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I have a boyfriend who had too much alcohol at a function held

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I have a boyfriend who had too much alcohol at a function held by my family. He got violent and got arrested. Now he is going to AA and said he never wants to drink again because he is scared what will happen. He said he blacked out that night. My mom doesn't want me with him. We had lived together for 7 years. He goes to AA 3 times a week. I am 46 and he is 42. I would binge drink on the weekends and he would take care of me . Now I feel I have a problem and I do not want to drink anymore either. He tells me about his AA meetings and how they are helping him. We get along well sober. We comunicate very well now. When we were living together he would drink a few beers and be fine. He just got violent ( not with me) and said mean things. His whole personality changed that night in front of my family. On the weekends I would be drunk until Sunday morning. My mom does not know we are talking or seeing each other sober. He really wants to change his life and not drink. It inspres me not to drink. He has not had a drink in a month and a half. I stopped drinking too but it has only been 4 days. I really did not drink during the week only weekends. My mom does not want me to be with him because of that incident. We love each other very much. I feel guilty talking to him and seeing him knowing my mom dissapproves of him. He has called her and my family members to apologize for the incident. We want to live a sober happy life, but after the incident we have to keep it a secret from family,but not my 19 year old son. He likes my boyfriend and the three of us get along very well. We are not planning on moving in together again,but we just want to date,have a relationship and a friendship.He has done many nice things for me and my son during the seven years we lived together. I have helped him too. He is nice to my son and our dogs. Should I not see him because my mom does not want me to,or should I still see him behind her back.We want to have a sober relationship. He is my best friend and now we can talk about how being sober is the best thing for us. He said he loves being sober and he feels like he can live his life again. He said he loves me and thought after the incident that he had lost me forever. I had moved his stuff out of the house. We get along well sober and both of us want to live a sober life. I feel i can not tell my mom we are talking again. We have not lived together now for about a month and a half. What should I do?
Confused about love for him or loyalty to my mom .Should i tell my mom we our working on our relationship even though it will upset her or do not tell her. My mom has been helping me financially since the break up. I had depended on his income while he was living with me. It was my house we lived in.My mom is 72.She is very supportive and tries to guide me in the right direction. I love her and I love my boyfriend. My mom can be very controlling at times that is her personality if she does not feel right about a situation.Should I take her advise and not see him?When i met my boyfriend 7 years ago i was 315 pounds and he loved me anyway. We always drank liquor me too much on weekends. He accepted me for who i was and not how i looked. now i am 158 pounds since i has gastric bypass in 2005. he was there when i had the surgery.We want to better ourselves and continue the relationship, but not live together anymore at this time. Maybe in the far far future we can live together again

HiCustomer/p>

 

Thanks for your question. Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with your decision, so the decision needs to be yours, but I am hoping I can help you.

 

As you have seen, alcohol does awful things to our minds - it is actually a mood- strengthener, and by that , I mean that it strengthens the mood that we are in at the time. Drink when you are happy - it will make you more happy. Drink when you are depressed - you will feel more depressed. It sounds like your partner was in a sad place at your family member's funeral, bringing back all sorts of memories from his mums recent funeral. Of course, that is no excuse for his behaviour, but it gives some kind of explanation about why his mood became so desperate.

 

It sounds as if this incident, the violence, the blackout, the thought of losing you, has brought your partner to his senses regarding drink and I should like to congratulate him for that. It also sounds as if you are both able to support each other through your drinking problems. You are both able to understand where drinking can get you and can both therefore really empathise with each other, and help each other through the bad times. I think this is very positive.

 

You both also love each other and are happy to be together. Your son likes your new partner. Of course your mum is worried about you, as she probably loves you too and thinks she is doing the best for you by asking you not to see this man, who she has seen being violent in public and going to prison. So I can understand her view point.

 

But you are 46. You are no longer a child and do not need your mom's permission to see this man, or to be happy. I understand that it would be much better if your mum liked him, but now she will have to be convinced otherwise over time. If I was in your postition, I would explain gently to your mom that you totally understand where she is coming from and what her concerns for her daughter (you) are. (I guess you would also be concerned if it was your son.) Thank her very genuinely for her caring consideration, but let her know that on this occasion, you have given her perspective lots of thought, but would prefer to follow your own instincts, certainly for the time being. Let her know that you are not about to submerse yourself in a violent relationship and (give her your word if you want to) that should your partner be violent to you in the future, you will get out of the situation (you need to do this for yourself, let alone your mom). If you find this difficult to have inconversation, maybe you could post her a letter or write it in a lovely card. tell her that you don't wish to argue with her, or fall out, but that you would love to continue having her friendship and for her to trust your judgement, as the grown up adult that you are.

 

I think there are very few of us who can say that we haven't done something embarrassing in public, or that we haven't made mistakes and regretted them. Your partner was strong enough to apologise for his behaviour and I believe that says something good about his character. I think you have something that it would be difficult to throw away and you might then spend the rest of your life regretting and blaiming your mom for. If it comes to an end by your decision, then so be it, but we cannot live our life for someone else, no matter how much they love us.

 

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX mom is able to support you in your decision, if only because you are her daughter and that she loves you.

 

Best Wishes, Sarah

 

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We are going on a planned vacation in a few days(me and my mom and other family members who saw the incident). I do not want to ruin her having a good time. I also want to wait to talk to her until my boyfriend has been very successful in AA. We go on these vacations every year. She says I drink too much at them. I am going to show her this time that I will not be doing all that drinking. I am going to enjoy myself sober. I think she needs alot of time to get over what has happened. My boyfriend will have to regain her trust and respect somehow and then maybe she will accept him again in the future. I think we need private time in our relationship to work on our problem and start over again in a sober life without having her angry about the relationship.What do you think? However, I will tell her at the right time.

Hi,

 

I think you are approaching this in a very fair way, thinking of your moms feelings and also seeing that your boyfriend will have to regain her trust. Maybe if she knows that you don't expect her to simply accept him straight away, but that he is willing to show her what a good man he can be with her daughter, then your mom may be more accommodating. I agree, don't spoil her few days away, it might backfire and she could hold that against him too. I think if she can see you enjoy yourself being sober, then this will be a big thing for your mom - she will see that you are serious. If you could subtly mention that your partner has been part of this decision to enjoy being sober, then that could be the start of something new. I think you're right about needing private time too - you can support each other, especially when one of you is down and thinks a drink will be a good solution - it will happen and you need to be prepared, rather than thinking it won't occur.

 

Maybe you could both make a 'dream board' together - stick some pictures (from magazines, etc.) of your shared dreams for the future onto the board, along with any words or symbols that are important to you. You will see that alcohol has no place in these dreams and this will keep you motivated and focused when times are tough. Keep it somewhere where you can see it every day and it will keep your subconscious minds focused on the positive future.

 

There are thousands of people in this world whose life has been blighted with alcohol - it is just another drug that changes the chemicals of the brain and makes us think we are what we aren't - my brother has been an alcoholic for years and I know and have seen first hand what devastation it can cause. You are doing well to turn away from it - the life you will lead will be real and imagined, enjoyable because of the people around you and not because of some chemical imbalance. I do hope you have a great time away, Best Wishes, Sarah.

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