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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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i AM TRYING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN 69 YEARS OLD

Customer Question

i AM TRYING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN 69 YEARS OLD WHO IS AN ALCOHOLIC. HE ABSTAINS FOR WEEKS AT A TIME AND THEN GOES BACK TO A BINGE. WE WERE KIDS AND JUST FOUND EACH OTHER AND IT SHOULD BE A NO BRAINER BUT I CANNOT FIGURE HIM OUT. HE IS AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT, TRIES TO AVOID SEX WITH ME, WE GO FOR TWO OR THREE WEEKS WITHOUT TALKING OVER A MISUNDERSTANDING, HE SAYS HE LOVES ME MORE THAN A FRIEND, BUT IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME WHEN HE IS SSOBER, WANTS TO MARRY ME WHEN HE IS DRINKING (SINGS ME LOVE SONGS, ETC). I TELL HIM IT IS OVER BUT HE EVENTUALLY CALLS ME BACK AND WANTS TO STAY CONNECTED TO ME AND WE GO THROUGH THE SAME CYCLE. HE COMES SO CLOSE TO WANTING TO MARRY ME AND THEN BACKS OFF. I CANNOT FIGURE HIM OUT AND SHOULD JUST LEAVE FOR GOOD, BUT I LOVE HIM A LOT AND HE IS SO WONDERFUL AND KIND TO ME FOR THE MOST PART. WHAT THE HECK SHOULD I DO
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
Hello:

You say this man is an alcoholic, afraid of commitment, avoids sex with you, and changes his mind about whether or not he wants to marry you. That doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you. In cases like this it is much more important to watch what he does, rather than listen to what he says.

If he really wanted to stop drinking, he would go to treatment. If he really wanted to get married, I doubt that he would have remained single for 20 years. If he desperately wants a wife, I would like to know why. You love him and you are available, yet he cannot make the plunge. This is important.

Even if you could pin him down and he made a commitment, I would have serious doubts as to whether he could sustain that commitment. If you are expecting him to change after you are married you are sorely mistaken. People do not change after marriage. That means he will continue with the drinking binges, he will continue to have doubts as to whether or not he wants to be with you, he will continue to avoid sex with you and he will also persist in his lack of communication.

You are the only one who can decide what you want. Just be very clear than once you make your decision, you need to move forward and not look back. Let me know if you have further questions. I wish you well.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i think thi guy thinks he can handle it on his own. if he gets really bad, he can stop for weeks as a time. he was married for 20 years to my best friend out of high school, so he knows what it feels like to be married. if i got him it might not work, but at 67 years old i want to try as i think we need each other. i don't understand why he goes like the tide, in love one minute, "more than a friend" the next. I am a registered nurse, still working and am stable with lots to offer. it is frustrating because i know he needs me. we have history together and he confides in me with his worries and concerns. ends every conversation on the phone with "my love is with you." but is it?? is he capable of having a relationship with anyone, is it me, something wrong with me? i am just so sad because i am lonely, also, need a partner, also, and I know deep down that he does love me, something is just very wrong. Is it him, is me, is it the disease. I don't understand. in so many ways he is such a beautiful man.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

not sure if you got the full text of my second question. was having touble with my computer. you are very helpful to me today, as he has backed away yet again and I feel so sorrowful about it. i am a realistic person, I know he deeply cares, why is this so difficult

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
would like reply to second part of question. do not know if it was received. thank you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
why am i not getting an answer, please
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Please send additional info to my second question and I will be happy to pay Thanks
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
Hi:

Sorry, I was off line most of the afternoon. We all log on between other events in our lives and it is not unusual to be off for several hours.

You are telling me that you think he needs you. That is not a good reason to get married. He will end up resenting you because he needs you. I
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience: APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
Carol Kryder LMFT and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
Sorry, somehow I didn't get the rest of my answer posted. I hope you read this.

You will not be able to have a healthy relationship with him until he can learn how to manage his feelings without using alcohol. To answer your question, it is the disease, not you.

Please let me know if you have further questions.

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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT
Private Practice
802 Satisfied Customers
APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience