Geez... there is no way I can give you a "quick hit" of help here except to urge you to seek therapy for the (unnecessarily) extreme level of anxiety you are experiencing. It is going to require a fair amount of work to "undo" many of the messages regarding sexuality, sin, and religion that have been burned into your mind. In fact, you story does make sense because one thing we know about "thought suppression" (i.e. trying to NOT think about something) actually makes that thought worse - it grows stronger and more repetitive. So, as you describe trying desperately to NOT think about sex as a boy and an adolescent, it began to snowball on you until you arrived at an untenable spot. Now mix in the excessive guilt associated with rigidly religious parents (and probably a bit of genetic anxiety), and you have the recipe for the torment you describe.
Honestly, it is going to probably take at least a stretch of some medicine to help you take the edge off the anxiety and repetitive thoughts, in conjunction with at least 6 months to a year of therapy to help unhitch you from these torturous thoughts.
I wish I could just shake you like an etch-a-sketch and start over with the development of your self concept and sexuality, but your trajectory has been set. Now it will take time to re-wire your mind toward peace.
When you seek a therapist, look for one who specializes in treating folks with sexuality issues. Here is a link to finding a therapist near you... you can search by zip code, and then narrow your search by looking for someone who treats BOTH anxiety and sexual issues. I think there is hope, although it will take a substantial amount of work for you. Still, working hard and achieving a better quality of life is a superior alternative to continued suffering.
I wish you well. If you are satisfied with the response, please hit "Accept." That is the only way I can receive credit for my answer. Thanks-
I don't think it is even possible to know what you are all about sexually until we clear away some of the debris left over from your childhood. However, I will say this: It does not sound as though you are a pedophile... but rather a biologically anxiety-riddled man who has been forced to completely succumb to unrealistic standards of rigidity regarding the natural tendencies we have toward sexual expression - both internal and external. Sexual thoughts, masturbation, and sexual enjoyment with partners are completely normal experiences.
It's too bad that some kiddos are taught that having sexual thoughts, whether occasionally or somewhat regularly, condemns us to Hell. If that was true, Heaven would be a lonely, sparsely populated place. I do wish you well. Make that appointment and begin the long road to healing. If you are satisfied with the response, please hit "Accept." That is the only way I can receive credit for my answer. Thanks-