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Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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I am constantly worried that my boyfriend is going to cheat

Resolved Question:

I am constantly worried that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me while he is away on his job. Which is two hours away. He says that he works from 6 am to 8 pm. But on his time card (he showed it to me) it says 5 thirty, and 6. He says the other hours are when they don't do much (he is in the union for laborers). So I worry that he is really doing this job or just lying and meeting up with someone down there. As far as I know, he doesn't know anybody except one of his good friends who graduated already. Otherwise he says he just works, eats, and then goes to bed each night. He says he is staying at a dorm/apt. with 7 other guys on the job.

He keeps reassuring me that he will never leave me. And that he would leave me before ever cheating on me. But he has lied to me before.

The first time it was about his ex. She was spreading around that she aborted his baby. He said it wasn't true and they never had sex because she was underage. After three months of misery and arguements, he finally contacted her and she told me that nothing ever happened.

But now he lied when he said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. And then she texted him on his birthday which is a day before hers. And they talked for two hours. I found out on my own. He didn't try to hide it. And he told me the truth that he was afraid of me getting overly mad because I get mad about stupid things. He says he won't do it again.

I guess I am having trust issues with him right now. My two questions are, should I just get over it and trust him and believe him when he says he won't cheat?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Yes, I think you should get over it and trust him, and then look to find out why you're so obsessive. That level of obsessiveness isn't really about trust, it's about emotional neediness on your part, and no one person will be able to make you feel secure enough inside yourself if you don't already have that in you. The fear just hops from one spot to another like a person who changes their clothes. It's exhausting for everyone involved and drives the patient batty over time.

I wonder if you're suffering from anxiety or OCD in other areas as well. If so, this is something to speak with your doctor about so that it can be treated at the source: your brain chemistry, and how you organize your thoughts. You can also work on controlling your thought/feeling/behavior cycles with CBT techniques. If you go to this site
you can start to learn ways to get relief from fears that are troubling you.

Once you've got yourself and your emotions settled out, then it's time to look fairly at his behavior and decide if he's trustworthy or not. When your head is clear, you can hear your inner voice better and you'll know what to do. This will give you much better success than trying to nail down facts like a detective and weigh them out, which is nerve wracking and painful.

My best to you.

If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting. I appreciate this opportunity to help you out today. If I can be of further service to you, just put "for Anna" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it.

Thanks!

Anna

Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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