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Selah R, M.S. LPC
Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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I am nice, patient, use manners& helpful and still I have no

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I am nice, patient, use manners& helpful and still I have no friends.
Why do you think you have no friends?
Has anyone ever said "You'd have more friends if...."? What did they say?
Did you used to have an easier time making/keeping friends but now it's gotten harder?

Selah
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

People only come to me when they need something, free babysitter, dog watcher, or money. I have helped many people and no one is there for me. I am a double widow at age 55 and just do NOT understand what is wrong with me

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a frustrating place!

Do you think you're a shy person? Is it hard for your to initiate a conversation with people? How hard is it to talk to strangers?

Selah
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am very outgoing. I talk to everyone. Currently I am a substitute teacher grades K-12 the kids all love Ms. Peg, I teach things so they understand and are not frustrated. I am very patient. I have also worked with high risk teens, and austitic students, and they know they CAN trust me. I am safe and secure, no violence or disciplinary actions. I know that negative attention is still attention. I do not argue, I grew up in a violent home, and I know that being a child of alcoholics, I have a tendency to take on the problem as my own, rather then view the problem as an outsider who did not cause the issue. I am dependable, trustworthy.
You sound like a great person. I can see why people would want to come talk to you.

But are you assertive? Do you tell people that you'd like to be friends? Do you call them up to plan events or go over to their house? Sometimes we get so used to just "being there" for other people that we forget to really step up and engage them as more than just "someone you come to get help from."

It may be time to take some risks and stand up for yourself. Sometimes people don't notice the rug until they trip over it. Push back just a bit. If you don't feel like doing or giving something for someone, say no. Sometimes you become more real to them as a person and not a "give-me genie" when you have good boundaries.

You might benefit from reading "Boundaries" by Townsend & McCloud. Maybe you've been too nice, too accepting, and too giving. Those are all great things, don't get me wrong. But to really have a friendship it takes two people willing to give and take.

It might also be time to branch out and join a book club, knitting club, mall walking group, etc., just something new to meet new people and learn new things.

It could be that your politeness and manners (awesome, but getting hard to find traits!) are being misinterpreted as aloofness or coldness. If you have people who have frequent talks with you, but who have never really made friends with you, ask them "Is there something I do that makes me unfriendly? Or that makes people think I don't want or need friends?"

So I don't think you have a problem, it may just be that you need to find new people to be around, or that you just need to improve your communication to make sure people understand that you really do want friendship.

Sincerely,
Selah

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have attempted to find new friends and be at a variety of places to meet people. I am not aggressive, or curt to people. When I ask for a favor to be returned, I get a denial or I am ignored. I have to do everything myself, like moving, studying. I write letters, I send special cards- - thinking of you, and I get zero response. I have never had children, first marriage 28 yrs, 2nd 15 months (he was 75 yr old), both died with massive heart attacks in front of me. I am invisible to people. No one sits with me even in a crowed lunch room,and I do shower each day and wear clean and nice clothes. It is very frustrating to be constantly rejected and ignored. I just fall back on my religion and I know God is in control. I don't understand. I know there are questions that do not have answers. It hurts me to feel rejection.
You don't have to be aggressive to be assertive. Such as "Jane, I enjoyed helping you out with your laundry last week, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to help me grocery shop this week." Or to stand up for yourself, if they've asked of you, and have never returned a request you've given, stop saying yes to them.

I am sorry to hear about both your husbands passing away so tragically.

God is in control, and He made you to be a special person with special talents. Don't let people make you feel like you're the one with the problem. When you start worrying about your clothing and your body odor as possible reasons why you don't have friends, you've let this take too much of your self-confidence and God's grace away from you.

Do you attend a church where they offer counseling? Maybe meeting someone face to face for a few counseling sessions can help you get to the bottom of this?

Selah
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