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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 3

Customer Question

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. I've witnessed a change in his behavior and the lack of communication in the last couple of weeks. I felt like something wasn't right. I have never checked my husband's phone but recently did, and found pics of this other woman (high school pal) and some inappropriate comments on his part. I decided not to confront him and to continue to check his phone when he went sleep. I discovered that he has been calling her, shortly after his gets to work and after wards also. He has befriended her mother and seems to always find an excuse to visit the area of town she lives in. This other woman and her mother gave my husband gifts for Father's Day and are making food for him weekly.
In the previous weeks I told him that I felt uncomfortable about him investing so much time and effort in this female friend. He told that they are just good friends.
I changed my attitude and have been trying to practice more happiness in my life and show more appreciation for my husband and be somewhat acceptable of the friendship. However I still feel used and isolated. Still no communication.
I finally confronted him yesterday and he admitted that he has feelings for this woman and that he has told her already. I asked him, how does she feel and he refuses to answer. He tells me that he isn't going to get into it. He wants to separate for a while, but I know it just so that he sleep with this other woman.
In the meantime he still wants to me to hang out with him and the kids and enjoy family activities. Is he kidding? I feel heart-broken! I am confused and scared. Please help.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
Hello:

Your husband started an emotional affair that is rapidly becoming physical. I think it is interesting that he wants both his family and his girlfriend. You need to be firm and tell him he can't have it both ways. It is either the family or the girlfriend. He is obviously reliving his high school days with this woman and is in love with the fantasy, not her.

See an attorney and find out what your rights are. Get the information about child support and spousal support and let him know gently but firmly how much it will cost him to indulge his fantasy. If he is confronted with the consequences of his actions, he may change his mind.

It will not work to try to talk him out of this. He is in love with a dream and the dream is always more powerful than bills, diapers, and dog messes.

Go to a therapist by yourself if he will not go to get support in establishing your boundaries and enforcing them. I know you are heart-broken and scared but you need to get your head in the game and protect yourself and your kids.

Please let me know if you have any further questions. I wish you the very best.
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience: APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
Carol Kryder LMFT and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Recently in the weeks following my problem, I told my husband to move out, he said okay but never followed through. He is adament that nothing physical happened between him and his friend and doesn't see what the problem is. He is now denying that he told me that he has feeling for this woman. He has stopped texting this woman and erased her from his Facebook account. He apologized for hurting me and making me cry but admits no wrong. I haven't told him, but I have checked his phone and found racy pics of this woman on his phone and have checked the cell phone bill and he has contacted her last Friday at 3 a.m. He tells me one thing and does another. I don't trust anything he tells me. I am contemplating whether to contact this other woman to figure out whats the truth. What should I do?
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 4 years ago.
Hello:

This is quite confusing and upsetting to you. You have clear evidence that he has contacted her recently and the racy pictures speak for themselves. You can contact her if you wish, but she has no reason to tell you the truth either.

If you want to save your marriage insist that he come to couples counseling with you and hopefully the counselor will be able to set some boundaries for both of you. He needs to give up this woman if he wants to stay married to you, pure and simple.

If he is not willing to go to counseling with you, he is choosing the other woman and it is time for you to see a lawyer. You can't live with a man you can't trust.

Let me know if you have further questions.

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