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Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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in a nutshell - i have had an on again off again relationship

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in a nutshell - i have had an on again off again relationship with a woman for the last two years during that time i have seen another woman with whom i have had intimate knowledge for over ten years - I am now in the middle of a huge arguement with woman #1 because she thinks i love the other woman - I tell her I don't - woman #1 knows about woman #2 but not vice versa - #1 wants to call #2 I tell her now that we have firmly decided to have a life together I will tell #2 about it and tell her the future holds no hope we will be anything other than friends - i tell #1 I cannot countenance her bringing mental pain to #2 when #2 has done nothing to her and doesn't even know about her - I tell #1 that if she can't believe in me than tell me to leave but don't cause pain to innocent people. Whoes right?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear that you are finding yourself in this situation. In a nutshell - I think you are correct. It isn't woman #1's place to inject herself into your relationship with woman #2. I would agree that there is no reason to cause her any pain, as she has not been party to woman #1's discomfort intentionally. The problem is, however, the harder you try to convince woman #1 NOT to call #2, the more she is going to feel like you are more concerned about #2's feelings than hers. So as much as I would agree with you on this, you have unfortunately created a situation for yourself where your loyalty is the perceived issue. You are going to have to find a way to reassure #1 about your committment to her, and that may take some time (don't blow it by seeing #2 behind her back). All you can do is be honest and open and hope she won't act out and call #2. Good luck. Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience: 20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
Tamara and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I showed the question and answer to #1 and she said it was not accurate. When I said that #2 did not know about #1 I meant for the last two years. She knows nothing directly about #1 and myself and about our potential desire to form a life together. Two years ago #2 & #1 had a falling out. They were friends at one time but issues about money loaned and not repaid, issues about me at the time and other things led to an acrimonious parting of the ways. There was even a physical altercation of some kind between them where according to #1 #2 punched her. #2 says she didn't but something obviously happened. They have essentially not interacted since that time and #2 as I stated has done nothing during the last two years to knowingly cause #1 any harm. In addition #2 has never been anything but nice to me. #1 says that this previous interaction between #2 and her somehow makes it acceptable for her to call her and dredge all of this stuff up. My position is the opposite. What happened two years ago should be long forgotten and does not need to be resurfaced. I have informed #1 that I would seek a neutral third party to hear the facts regarding this issue and I would be willing to abide by the decision of that party as to whether bringing #2 into the conversation is appropriate. I again told #1 that I would inform #2 as to our intended status as a couple and it would change the dynamic between us in the right way. Up to this point in time #2 has thought I was available and actions were commensurate with that reality. I still see no reason to bring her directly into a discussion about #1 and myself. #1 is extremely angry that I had relations with #2 but I never had them when we together. Her postion is that even though she told me to leave we were still committed. I said that if you ask somebody to leave you have no say over what they may do. What should I do?
Expert:  Tamara replied 4 years ago.
Well, I think that sheds a little different light on things. No wonder your girlfriend is mad! That changes my answer to: For the sake of #1's dignity, I think it is better that she not say anything to #2. But YOU made a really bad decision by sleeping with #2, knowing the situation there, and so I think you are probably going to have to live with the consequences of however #1 needs to handle this. They were friends. That gives her a big emotional investment in pushing that relationship with #2 as far away as possible. So here's what I think - botXXXXX XXXXXne. I would encourage #1 to NOT confront #2, but YOU are going to have to tell #2, ASAP, about your relationship with #1. Beyond that, I think you're just going to have to ride it out. Just as she had no say over what you did after she asked you to leave - you have say over what she chooses to do. To #1: Put your anger where it belongs. At your boyfriend. Don't degrade yourself by confronting her. It's not worth it in the long run.

Good luck with everything. Tamara
Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1072
Experience: 20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
Tamara and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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