I'm sorry to hear about your partner.
First of all, it would be impossible (and inappropriate) to diagnose your partner with having alcoholism over the internet. That can only be done by a mental health professional after having seen and worked with her and completing some assessments. Within the parlance of the program of AA, however, "only you can know if you're an alcoholic."
With regard to your feelings regarding her behavior - this is very common among those who choose to live with the alcoholic. A great place to begin to address your concerns is Alanon.
But before we move into that, a bit about alcoholism:
With regard to medical treatment for alcoholism, most general physicians don't have sufficient training to address the problem medically. Even general Psychiatrists (medical) and Psychologists (non-medical) are often woefully undertrained in chemical dependency. You may wish to consider consulting with a Psychiatrist who has training or is identified as an Addictions specialist. Some medications currently in use for alcoholism or alcohol abuse include:
- Naltrexone (to reduce alcohol's positive effects);
- Antabuse (to reduce cravings for alcohol and to produce adverse effects if drinking occurs);
- Campral (to reduce cravings for alcohol if you've already stopped).
Even addictions specialists will tell you that, to be frank, a good alcoholic will always find away to "work around" medications and will resume drinking behavior.
With regard to treatment for alcoholism, scientific, peer-reviewed research indicates that the most frequent solution for alcoholism is "spontaneous recovery" - meaning that the individual stops or reduces consumption himself, without intervention... never to return to alcohol abuse or alcoholism. (Some question if these individuals are truly alcoholic.)
Despite the scientific literature, most experts will agree that AA is the best choice for treating alcoholism. Traditional psychotherapy has not been found to be particularly effective, nor has cognitive behavioral therapy or behavioral therapy to teach problem drinkers how to "control their drinking" (e.g., Sobel & Sobel).
As you probably know, AA is largely a spiritual program - and many individuals initially find the "God concept" difficult to grapple with. You've probably also heard that you can define God as you understand him. This isn't easy for most alcoholics.
I would encourage your partner to start attending AA meetings. She should watch for the people she sees there... and look for the similarities, not the differences. She may find herself wondering about someone there who seems to say things that make sense. She may be older or younger, an alcoholic or an addict, but she looks happy and talks about recovery. It's her job to approach this person and ask her to be her sponsor. AA works, but it is a "we" program, not an "I" program. If she's willing to accept the hands that are being offered to her, she may well find herself on a journey that will not only help her with her alcohol problem, but may help her with her sober problems as well.
Finally, if she can do nothing else, remember the big four (taken from the story "JOIN THE TRIBE" in the 3rd edition of the Big Book):
- Don't pick up;
- Go to meetings;
- Get a BIG BOOK and read it;
- Find a sponsor and talk to him.
These are considered the keys (along with the 12 steps) of recovery within AA.
In case you haven't checked, there are AA meetings around the clock all over the nation. Check out: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29 to find out one near you.
Also, you can always call a local "AA Clubhouse" in the area to find out when those meetings occur (but they will likely appear on the website listed above). The Clubhouse would also have literature such as "The Big Book" (http://www.aa.org/bbonline/ ) and Alanon literature for those in relationships with alcoholics.
Alanon is the sister organization of AA - and is for all the folks who must contend with having an alcoholic partner, spouse, child, parent, sibling (etc.) They can be reached at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ - and you'll also see postings for local meetings. I strongly recommend Alanon for you - as it will help you to cope with your feelings about this "alcoholic tornado" in your life... and help you come to some rational, manageable decisions about how to proceed.
I *do* wish you both the best of luck in your struggles. Alcoholism is "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and it appears you're on the cusp of making some important choices and changes in your life. I hope you have the patience, strength, and courage to do so. You BOTH deserve it!
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