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Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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Im a 20 year old female virgin, who would like to have sex

Customer Question

I'm a 20 year old female virgin, who would like to have sex with partner, but has difficulties when in the moment and draws back.Partner understands and doesnt rush it. We clearly are both sexually attracted to eahcothe. My mother recently told me of an inicident of when I was younger. Of the age of one year old, that a man may have touched me, which would explain my physical drawback. As my mother told me this incident I was unable to recall because of the age. I feel as if im ready, but my body says other things. Growing up anytime anyone has mentioned sex or have gone into depth with sexual intercourse I would scringe at the thought and plug my ears, because the thought of inflicting pain on ones self makes me feel uncomfortable. Is there something wrong with me? Ive gotten to an age that I want to experience such intimacy, but my question is why can't I get past this mental blockage?

and ive never used a tampon either because of the thought of the insertion as a penis.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.



Thanks for your quesion. I hope my answer brings you confidence that you can help yourself and a direction in which to begin.


I would like to tell you about a therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Re-Processing), which allows us to re-visit and let go of any beliefs that have been lodged in our subconscious mind from when we were younger. When we are asleep, we enter what is called REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, where our eyes move quickly from side to side and we process away any stress or anxiety that we have experienced throughout the day. However, if an incident occurs when there is a high level of emotion, the memory can become lodged in our memory in a place where it isn't naturally processed away through REM. Sometimes these can be positive memories (eg. winning an award, meeting a new boyfriend, etc) and we can often recall those times "as if they were yesterday" being almost able to touch the memory, noticing details of the surroundings, sounds, textures, even smells. We can use memories of these positive times to increase confidence, etc. However, if the memory that is lodged is less positive, it is often pushed back down and continues to exist, even if we are not aware of it. Later, when a related incident occurs, the beliefs in the subconscious mind can be triggered and the emotions linked to that memory can resurface, stopping the behaviour from happening again. It is important to know that the subconscious mind does this in order to protect us - it is the reason why some people are afraid to fly, stroke dogs, etc. The subconscious mind believes that there is 'danger' and makes the person uncomfortable in order to stop them in their tracks. EMDR therapy allows the client to re-visit the memories, recognise the irrational beliefs that stop them from doing things they want to do, and to let them go.


In your case, there would need to be some adaptation of the therapy because you are unable to recollect the original memory, but the therapist will be able to manage this for you. You would be led through each step of the therapy gently and at your own pace. Once the beliefs have gone, the therapist will probably encourage you to visualise having sex in the future, which you will be able to do without the related negative emotions. You can then make this a reality with your partner.


If you look on the internet for an EMDR therapist in your area, you should be able to locate one.


I do hope this information is useful for you. If it is, please press 'accept' so Just Answer will pay me a percentage of your payment. I would love to receive some feedback too by pressing the relevant button. As I am having problems with my account at the moment, it may not allow you to pay - if it states 'no question to answer' please would you email JustAnswer and let them know?


I wish you the very best with this issue.



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