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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake , Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience:  Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
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I am a mother of 3 children. I believe I may have Aspergers

Customer Question

I am a mother of 3 children. I believe I may have Aspergers but have never been officially diagnosed. I have read several books about it and felt I was reading about my lifelong issues. My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD. Are there any suggestions for a situation of this nature? Is there any literature dealing with this combination in a relationship?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 6 years ago.

Good morning.


Thanks for writing this morning. I hope you're well!


First, I would encourage you to see a licensed mental health professional (LMHP) to address your questions about your own diagnosis of Asperger's Disorder. Self-diagnosis, especially when addressing a complex neurodevelopmental disorder such as Asperger's is very tricky - and I'd hate for you to start a journey down a path that might take you in the wrong direction. [It would be unethical and inappropriate to make such a diagnosis over the internet, as I'm sure you understand.] Your gp can probably refer you to the appropriate LMHP as needed.


Secondly, regardless of your own diagnostic profile, raising a child with ADHD comes with a number of challenges and exciting opportunities. (It's often difficult to remember those opportunities after working on homework!) There are several excellent books that I have recommended for parents of children with ADHD:

- Susan Ashley's "The ADD/ADHD Answer Book"

- Vincent Monastra's "Parenting Children with ADHD"

- Betty Osmond's "Learning Disabilities & ADHD: A Family Guide to Living & Learning Together"


These sources may help with immediate questions/concerns - but it may also behoove you to establish a relationship with a family therapist with whom you have a good rapport. I'm not suggesting that you will need to have years and years of therapy... merely that having an additional professional opinion with someone you can check in with periodically might be a great idea. For example, the transition from 3rd to 4th grade is often very challenging - and you may need to rely on this professional for a period of time. Then you may enter a period of quiescence in which they're not needed.


Regardless of your diagnosis or your daughter's diagnosis, I am concerned that you reported about "several hours" of homework. The general rule of thumb is 10-15 minutes of homework per grade level... so we're looking at 30-45 minutes of homework per evening, not 3-4 hours per evening, for a 3rd grade student. This could speak to concerns about (a) her learning in general (beyond ADHD), (b) the effectiveness of her medications and/or the timing/dosage administered, (c) the challenges at her school (do *all* 3rd graders do this much homework per night?)


As a student with ADHD, your child may qualify for additional supporting services at school or for certain accommodations to address her learning needs. This might include an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) through Special Education Services or a 504 plan through Regular Education Services. A diagnosis of ADHD does not necessarily lead to qualification for these services/supports - but it may well be worth your while to address your concerns with your daughter's teacher, school psychologist, and/or principal.


Finally, again regardless of your diagnosis, you have the right to some private time or "down time" or breaks from homework (and other parenting duties). I'm not suggesting you leave the home for hours at a time, but taking the necessary breaks to "unwind" from the kids is natural. Parents can take "Time Outs" too... and not only do I encourage that for parents I work with, but I use it at home. Several times, my 8 year old son has asked, "Daddy, do you need a time out?" (He's usually right... I did!)


I sense that you're feeling more of the challenges right now than the opportunities. I would encourage you in your reading to look for the similarities between yourself and your daughter. Even diagnostically, the overlap between ADHD and Asperger's is remarkable. Perhaps what you see presently challenges will be those aspects of your daughter and yourself that bring you closer together. You'll both learn a great deal about one another and yourselves in the years ahead.


In sum, I hope you'll:

- avoid diagnosing yourself. If you want a diagnosis, go to a LMHP.

- consider one of the books I suggested.

- look into the 3-4 hours of homework more closely

- is this a problem with learning beyond ADHD?

- is this a problem with her current treatment for ADHD?

- is this a problem with the school curriculum?

- explore options re: IEP and/or 504 with the school.

- take care of yourself first and foremost. When you board the plane and the flight attendants provide the emergency lectures, they always tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before helping somebody else... the same holds true with parenting. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your daughter.


I hope this information was helpful. Please feel free to let me know if there's more that I can provide.



Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience: Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
Doctor Blake and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for the info. My daughter has been on an IEP since Kindergarten. Meds did not work for her. I have not been diagnosed as I do not have medical insurance for myself however I am getting married next month & will eventually have insurance through his work so I will definitely get a professional opionion. I have had a lot on my plate and not enough time to take breaks or fully explore the problems I am personally facing & have always had. Having children has forced me to face my own difficulties when in the past I just plain avoided them. I will read the books you suggested. Thank you.
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 6 years ago.

I wish you the best of luck.


I'm sorry that I wasn't able to find any literature (either professional or layperson) on Asperger/ADHD relationships. After reviewing your feedback, I did some additional hunting and have found a dearth of information on the topic. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be of more help to you in this regard.


I'm glad to learn that you'll be getting married next month (congratulations). I hope this will, as you suggested, afford you with an opportunity to explore some of the issues that come up in parenthood.


This is simply a reply to wish you well... and thank you for your feedback. I do wish you well on your search for literature on this particular topic. I believe you may find family therapy with a therapist familiar with neurodevelopmental disorders (such as Aspergers and/or ADHD) will be helpful to you. And, again, I don't think the relationship needs to be life-long (weekly sessions for 10 years)... merely someone who knows you and your family and can provide that springboard for discussion during "difficult transitions."


I hope your wedding ceremony coming up is everything you want it to be. Best of luck with you family. NO NEED TO REPLY.

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