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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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More on my poor soul friend from forever-we grew up through

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More on my poor soul friend from forever-we grew up through school and neighborhood. I was his girlfriend late teens to around age 29. I am having difficulty dealing with the before and after. Two degrees-worked in profession-always appropriate and not histrionic-athletic/attached to appropriate and functioning people. Seen throughout years-hair got long-too long in my opinion-told him so. Cut it off to just below shoulders. How does someone disintegrate into histrionic pd? Took university position where there are no boundaries? Had athletic gorgeous girlfriends with advanced degrees
and some single moms-grown children still say hi and like him. I would say girlfriend with weird relationship-last relationship-had a lot of BPD traits. He did have some major events-BPD type girlfriend left for a fairly functioning retired prof, half of house burned down and was way underinsured by parents with dementia, had both parents in nursing home as primary carergiver for decade and rebuilt the half of the house himself. Father died,mother died 1 year ago but okay financially, house okay, job okay. References to pot use-won't confess how often-but he said better than aspirin-so very often. Does pot + trauma + underlying something + living with folks with no boundaries (college town) just flip someone over and they never right themselves? If I stay pleasant (and move to another town)-it is implied he will move on. My own curiousity is killling me-drugs + crossing boundaries + life events-what happened? I am assuming rigidity means agreeing with every conspiracy theory (like a lot of inexperienced 20 year olds?) and saying have a nice day? I've already started distancing and will continue. What is he seeking? Supply + functioning person + symbol of who he used to be? One day he is rational science guy, next flaky hippie. Guilt because he has really acted out re sexual identitiy and I represent his formerly intact self? What happened and why would I be appealing-I am same constructs as before!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.
Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Hmmmm. Very interesting...I can see why you're confused. I think you've come up with very good conjecture on all counts. It sounds like the environment he's been in and the stress he's been under have slowly unraveled him.....but there is a missing piece or pieces, and my gut tells me drugs and homosexuality/bisexuality/transgender issues....something core to his sexual identity.

If I could guess, I'd imagine that he's had a slow growing addiction to mood altering substances of one kind or another for years. The kind where they go from pot to alcohol to prescriptions to party drugs and alcohol to.....whatever works. It makes it harder for a person to get caught by themselves or others because it doesn't hold one form. But that mirrors his personality, doesn't it? It doesn't hold to one form. His caregiver role would have given him access to strong drugs, and he wouldn't be the first to succumb to temptation on that front. That could be a factor in why his antics escalated and paranoia has become a problem for him.

I think he has a sexual identity secret and a secret life. Many folks who were held in check by the difficulty getting porn or sexual acting out have been flooded and then fueled by internet sex addiction. It lets people act out all their fantasies...especially forbidden ones....completely anonymously. Through porn, chat and hook-ups, many have gone way overboard. He can be the histrionic queen and be encouraged and applauded for it online.

If we take the sex, the mood altering substances, trauma, life disruption and death of his parents, I think it might explain his demise.

What does he want? Peace, but he can't find it. I agree with your idea of "Supply + functioning person + symbol of who he used to be" as to why you're attractive. But he won't be able to function with the sword of intimacy hanging over his head. He'll keep changing the rules till you leave him and he wins another victimization trophy.

Just my thoughts.....

Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

For Anna,


Helpful insight-he has never drank-still don't see him drinking but hadn't considered the access to their meds! He used to work in biomedical field (in the real world) and stated that he saw parents practically every single night-and he knows his way around hospitals. That could be masked with Dr. Pepper...kidding about sad situation of operatic proportions. And of course, college area rife with pot, pills and opportunity. Wow, I'd so rather see someone be happy - long hair was really long and asexual relationship? I even challenged that one and said no way-and all he would confess is that she turned out to be having other boyfriends.


Excuse my naivete-but are we talking about craigslist kind of things? I only finally looked at recently! Or chat sites where you can be in a character?


Obviously, I challenged the idea that he remained asexual-she and he traveled and were very public-maybe that was the idea?


She also drained him financially and he rescued her all the time-as well as paid for Europe, daughter's wedding kinds of things.

I was shocked that he had just paid off debts via inheritance-and saved from serious financial problem. She seems to have victimized him?


Currently, I think he has married, not very stable, "best girlfriend" who I looked up has criminal history and she has created all of these scenarios in which she neeeds $$. That is why I am confused. She seems more the predator for $$ and has been setting the stage I think...


So why would he be looking for his own victimization trophy?


I now realize that, the dark side of internet, would have helped him along with taking care of his parents-when would you do anything "normal" in terms of personal time?


With my impression, and the "asexual" girlfriend does have a "user" reputation (and BPD) in this town, she was well taken care of and he was victim? She was the one who moved his parents to his town...and to his demise...but it was a great control of his time.


New person could be a victimization trophy if it were sex with her-but she is convincing him she needs his $$-and I'm sure he told her about inheritance.


So convincing me to "front" maybe or be the stabilizing force or pleasant memories is the goal? I become victimized by being with a "shape shifter?"


And he will continue to seek women who will provide stability in a false reality?


I'm pretty shocked that he would attempt to defraud me-I'm one of the most "real" people he ever knew. He sees me as a good source and targeted me?


And I am not a good choice for hiding-we still have lots of connected friends between us-or does that make it even more legitimate?


Would he have a meltdown if I confront this? I know...but I have low tolerance of dupllicity but I am motivated for people to be happy.


Hey, my mother's early boyfriend-same red hair type-ended up being the mayor of Key West for quite a long time!


Why not keep me as a friend-which I already was-and have his own house and we have intermittent catch-up contact about people, friends, etc.?


I don't get his choice to try and have a relationship-this is someone who should be able to say "new lifestyle" and knows I wouldn't lose my mind. Brain affected by drugs?


It's like....I'm fine with the truth...just be who you really are and I can still know you.


Is confrontation a bad idea?


I think he has been leaving a bread trail of crumbs anyway.


Why rescue women in martyrdom way?


Doesn't offer me lots of money, etc.!


Is he apologizing to women? To his mother? He is really still mourning his mother-and actually refers to himself as a mama's boy. That was never their relationship nor did he ever say that before.


Is he mad at women? Giving them money controls them?


He was, and still is for his age, attractive and garnered lots of attention.


Am I in danger of a "rage" if I underburden myself with asking the question?


Thanks-it is going to be a huge shift to deal with this one.









Drugs has to be a part of this-really best explanation for paranoia.


Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.

Hey Desert,
I didn't get notice that there was a new note on this thread...sorry for not responding.

I don't know why he does all this, but it's all so swirly and unreal, which is typical of Histrionics and Borderlines....(they're in the same diagnostic category for a reason!).

Angry at women? I think so, and I think it ties into his sexual identity. Maybe he hates the part of himself that feels feminine? Not sure.

Hooking up with BPDs is an energizer, adds drama, and is usually worth the price paid for all the buzz they can get. Drama in the front end, and drama by being hurt or used at the end. BPD's spin a good fantasy at the start. Giving them money keeps them around in that push-pull game of "I'm Not Available....Yes I Am.....Not Really.....Come Closer!....I Love You......I Hate You".

Confrontation? I wouldn't waste my time. He doesn't know the truth and will rage at you for trying to burst his bubble.

The internet is full of sex chat and hook-up sites where people can have sex on the camera, in words, in's endless. If you get brave, go to You'll see how light craigslist is.

The girlfriends are 'beards'....covers and sources of adoration/energy/something/anything. Guys like this have trouble being alone with their thoughts, so they make sure it never happens.

Drugs are a big part of this...the more I read into your note.

There is more stuff on the internet about might want to read up on that angle...the victims speak in the same way as those of HPDs.

I'm going over to your other question.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks for both of your replies!


Ding! I get the need for drama-stay sick, keep sick girlfriends and it will begin with fireworks and end with major drama-which the last one did. This new one same thing-fireworks and can only end in some major drama.


That explains feeding the need for drama = money. In past, he was not cheap but not extravagant ever. The latest BPD has woven a wild web of fantasy/victimization tales. He is enjoying telling them to me ad infinitum.


Negative experiences are still worth a buzz....


Knowing he doesn't know his own "truth" helps greatly-no reason to draw him a picture.


He is getting more comfortable telling me about everyday outings - in past but no timeline-with transgendered friend. He did begin the story of friend as warned by others that he was really a man!


Probably enjoys the buzz of being seen with him in town...I'll get brave and take a look at


Peacock feathers are looking like they are molting these days but he is still leading a parade.


Alarming he cannot realize that people that used to know him can see the difference-that corroborates he has no idea of the truth of himself.


Wish he had a family member to at least keep the $$ intact-but then they would have to face it all...they don't have the strength.


I have the strength but I could never reach him nor would the cost of losing myself be worth the effort.


Time in this dimension/planet/galaxy must be spent in healthy relationships.




Desert Blond



Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.
Peacock feathers are looking like they are molting these days but he is still leading a parade.

Yes! And to all the things you said after that. He does not know what the truth is, and most likely never will...even if he had a team of people trying to help him. It just doesn't stick. The money might help him reach a bottom sooner, but who knows? It won't matter - it'll just move into a new tune. You can't reach him, and it wouldn't be worth the effort. It would be a seduction on his part to lure you in closer....give you a little 'success' in your endeavor to keep you hooked. These guys love to have people attracted to their's one of their biggest products...selling their potential.

Move on to healthier relationships. I want to thank you again for the healthy bids on your questions and the bonuses...we get a higher percentage of bonuses, so it works out nicer for the expert.

Take care, and if I can clarify anything further, just let me know.

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