How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Norman M. Your Own Question

Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2496
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Norman M. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi , Im the youngest of 4 sibs- 3 girls, 1 boy. We are 46

Resolved Question:

Hi ,
I'm the youngest of 4 sibs- 3 girls, 1 boy. We are 46 to 50 yrs of age & have had a

life long struggle with our middle sister. I'm beyond certain that she has

Hystrionic PD while meeting much of the criteria for NPD. She's been the root

cause of most minor/major family disruption & destruction since childhood & as

she only has two public faces, heroine or victim (often played simultaneously),

she is incapable of dealing with reality on any level. Self righteous to the bitter

end & claiming each vicious act as "well intentioned", she has progressed well

beyond her normal fabrications to pathological lying- her latest: she had

breast cancer while our Mom was in the hospital dealing with the adverse effects

of radiation & chemo & a life threatening case of pnuemonia. My oldest sister & I

have finally cut her off after years of forgiving (enabling). My parents want peace

at any cost & while we want to respect their wishes, we have no peace! Any suggestions? TY!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thanks for visiting JA.

I think you know this - but she is probably NOT going to change her ways, and she is not going to be more accommodating to the family as things are.

That leaves you effectively two choices - either you go an as you are, having cut off contact with her, or you bow to your parents wishes. Unfortunately, only you can decide which is the best long term choice for you.

If you go along with what your parents want, what does it mean for you - another forty years of strife?

By cutting her off, you have already stopped enabling her and empowering her, and if I were in your place I would not for a moment consider going back on that unless and until and until she changes.

If there is to be the slightest possible chance of her changing, she needs to be confronted with your feelings about her behavior, and made to understand that, while you care for her, her behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated, at least by you

He also needs to understand that that any continuation of this behavior will have consequences. They need to be spelled out to her very clearly, with clear emphasis on the fact that they will apply immediately.

We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. She needs to be given reason to change, and if you can get your parents behind this, the better the chances of success.





Ask her too, what he is prepared to do to change her behaviour in future – tell her to research what might help her, what professional help she might get, and even consider a ‘contract’ between you. In other words, involve her in her own change, with a prospect of a small reward for success and dire consequences for failure.



However, don’t get angry, stay cool and in control, matter of fact and stick to the facts. Avoid drama.

If her parents come on board with this approach, there may be some hope.

If it fails, then we are back to the two stark choices.


Best wishes,

NormanM

Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2496
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
< Last | Next >
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • Armed with your answer I was able to talk with my son and daughter-in-law about their child who wasn't growing and who wasn't speaking. Since then she has grown about 1/4 of an inch and picked up 4 lbs. Her appetite and awareness have both improved. Sydney Galveston, Texas
  • You are absolutely the best team of health professionals on the WEB! MB Rosedale, NY
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education