Welcome to Just Answers. You're not alone in this problem. Al Anon is a program for family members of alcoholics, and can help you shore up your boundaries and find ways to best live with your choice to stay married. If her drinking problem continues to run your life, then it's taken down two people instead of just one. By learning to detach with love, you set limits on abuse and maintain your own course. AlAnon is a free, peer led group support system that helps families of those with drinking problems.
She refuses to get help right now, but perhaps it won't always be that way. Find the treatment centers for addiction near you and go speak with them about what family programs they have. You can usually attend family lectures and learn about your resources.
Spelling it out, you have a few options:
Live like you are now.
Insist that she go into treatment for her alcohol problem
Get counseling for yourself
Connect with AlAnon online or in person
Become educated about alcoholism
Leave when she becomes abusive
Stage an intervention with a counselor's help
Alcoholism is one of the few diseases that tells the victim that they don't have it. It makes it very frustrating for family members, but you're not alone, and there is help available for both of you.
About the affair? It's a smokescreen, and I advise you to not engage, defend or discuss it with her. Walk away when she tries to harrange you about it...do anything, but don't engage at all with her on the topic. Tell her once that you'll no longer discuss it, and then stick to your word.AlAnonLiving with alcoholismAlcoholism
My best to you.
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Edited by Anna on 5/2/2010 at 6:05 PM EST