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Ralph LMHC
Ralph LMHC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  20+ years as therapist, supervisor, clinic director at mental health, substance abuse treatment ctrs
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We are a couple (guy is 23, girl is 21) living in Israel. The

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We are a couple (guy is 23, girl is 21) living in Israel. The guy is American and the girl is Israeli. The guy has to go to USA in the fall to get his second degree and the only way the girl can come is if they get married. Both sides love each other but had this situation not arised, they would not normally have thought of marriage this early. The girl is pretty sure she wants to do this as she does not seem to think anything is permanent but the guy is very nervous because whichever he chooses will bring two very different lifestuyles (single and safe versus risk with unknown). Both of us feel a 2 year long distance wont work and that is why it has become an all or nothing deal. Our reasoning to take the risk is that worse comes to worse, the girl can go back to israel and thats it. the guy understands this but is scared of commitment, especially at an age so young and that it wil be too hard juggling school and accustoming her to america. what should we do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

 

I can't tell you what to do, but to get married on the grounds you describe is a recipe for disaster. You are both young and if the relation cannot withstand a 2 year separation the prognosis for it's longevity is quite poor. I do not under stand why occasional meetings over the 2 years are not possible. El Al is still flying and obtaining a visitor's visa between to US is not difficult. Best wishes and use your thinking not your heart t determine your behavior

 

Shalom,

 

 

Ralph LMHC

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Howcome it is a recipe for disaster? My girlfriend was denied 2 visitor visa and couldnt get one in the near future. And with me studying and working all year and a half, maximum we could see each other 4 weeks over the course of that.
Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

The comparable example is people on military deployment who have about as much contact. Getting married because of time constraints not the desire to consummate the marriage (I do not mean physically) is in my mind the recipe for disaster as you said you really were not ready to make this commitment were it not for the demands of schooling. So as you say you are really not ready and he will be under the intense pressure of study and work. I must share my bias which is to be conservative in interpersonal relations. Remember I am giving an opinion based on 20 years of marital/couples counseling, but it is not fact.

 

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

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