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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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I need an opinion on this situation and how I should think

Customer Question

I need an opinion on this situation and how I should think about it…. I have shared this with no one, until now.
I have been with my “husband-person” (domestic partner, not married) for almost 10 years and lived with him for 8. Together, we raised his two daughters, and my daughter and son and have indeed become a true family.
About 16 months ago, I began training for a ½ marathon with our oldest daughter, which was taking place two days before my 45th birthday. What an exciting achievement to give myself – the completion of the race. Plus, I thought it would be a good way for my to drop a few pounds – I was 135 when he met me and I was a well proportioned 160 at the time. My “husband-person” made a passing comment, “well, if you can get back down to 135, like when we met, we can maybe get you a real nice diamond ring.” I have a lovely 5 stone diamond ring from him that I wear like a wedding ring with my mother’s wedding band.
Well, since that comment, my imagination has been torturing me, like; he wants me to be thinner and will only buy me a ring if I do. I have been beating myself up for not having lost the 25 pounds – I have only lost 8. I keep putting time goals on myself and not achieving them – like, I will lose the weight before the race, before Christmas, before Valentines day, before my 46th birthday. I think I keep making goals coinciding with a holiday so it looks like the ring is given to me for that event, rather than for losing weight. I have told I am sick of thinking about this daily. I am sick of not reaching my weight loss goal. I wish I could go back in time and erase him ever saying it. But it was said.
I don’t know how to rectify this situation in my mind. I can not let this go. Please advise.
Thank you so much – in advance.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi there. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

Well, I think you have set yourself up for a tough situation. I'm sure your husband has assured you that that was not his intent, and it sounds like it is still feeling impossible to let go of. The only thing you can do, aside from talking with him about how you feel, is start doing some good old-fashioned thought stopping and not allow yourself to think about this issue anymore. So every time it comes into your head, in any form, you need to tell yourself "STOP" and start thinking about something else. The more you allow it to be in your mind, the stronger it gets. It may take some time, but that is the best way to deal with it. If it continues to be an issue after giving that a try for at least a month, then it would probably benefit you to talk with a therapist about your insecurities and self-esteem issues. Hopefully that will allow you to feel better about yourself and not be placing so much emphasis on your appearance.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara

Tamara and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Same man, new dilemma...

To clarify, Reed is my 10 year long live-in partner and not my husband. In that time we have raised his two daughters from teenagers and not are raising mine, a daughter 18 and a son 15.

Reed is controlling in some ways, he is very critical, very negative, and it feels as though he has something oppositional to say about everything and every situation.

Currently, I am so tired of the criticisms, negativity, arguments about issues, mostly involving raising my children. All four of the children are really good kids/people. He is forgetting that I went through the step-parent crap with his daughters that he is now experiencing with mine.

I can not stop thinking about leaving him. I fear that even if I stay until both my children are out of high school, there will be nothing left - no love left - after all these years of hassles, criticisms, negativity, and arguments.

I need a sounding board.... What are your thoughts?

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