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Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I felt terribly embarrassed by a comment my husband (of eight

Resolved Question:

I felt terribly embarrassed by a comment my husband (of eight years) made at a dinner party with my friends last night. It started with, "You think Sue is a really nice person, but..." and then went on to suggest that I appear agreeable about going to a particular bar the friends were discussing, however, in truth I never want to go there when my husband suggests it because too many people hang outside and smoke. My friends happen to be smokers. I also know that my husband envies one of the friends because he is very entertaining, though the friend is gay so there is no sexual jealousy involved. When my husband and I "discussed" this later, I stated that I was very hurt that he would start a sentence like that and suggest to my friends that I am two-faced. He apologized for hurting me, but he doesn't understand why I am feeling so hurt. I'm still feeling very hurt and angry. For the most part my husband and I act respectfully XXXXX XXXXX other and rarely say hurtful things. I'm wondering how to deal with this incident. Thank you.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 4 years ago.
Hello,
Thank you for using Justanswer.com. I am sorry to hear you are still feeling hurt by his comments. It sounds like you might need to speak with him further to emphasize how hurt you are by him and how you need him to behave differently in the future.

First, I would suggest thinking about why you are still feeling hurt by him and exactly what behaviors your would like him to change in order to avoid this in the future. Second, I would suggest articulating how you want to let him know about your continued feelings of hurt. A great way to communicate something like this is to use I feel statements.
Ex. Husband, I feel _______________ by that statement you made last night in front of our friends because ____________. I wish you would have ______________ instead. I hope that next time you will ____________. Do you hear that I am feeling ________? Would you agree to next time ____________.

I know you said this doesn't usually happen but if it continues for some reason you may want to learn how to set a boundary with him. Something like the following.
In the future, if you continue make statements that make me seem two faced, I will ____________ in order to not be put in that situation.

(make sure the last blank is reasonable, enforceable and logical.)

After you have figured out what to say by filling in the blanks above. I would suggest presenting it to him when he is not busy or distracted.

I hope this answer helps. Please let me know if you have any other questions or if you need further clarification of this answer.

Take care,
Kym
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience: Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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