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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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i have had f/ship issue today. My good friend N is the orignal

Customer Question

i have had f/ship issue today. My good friend N is the orignal sarcastic smart a**, witty & one of those ppl who will never apologise. VERY sarcastic& bears grudges. I have been a good friend to her,listened & been there, she is nasty when angry, likes a drink of wine too. She has med. issues,works p/time lives with her elderly parents due to this. We'd plannedto go away for a 3 nights in may, her parents travelling with us part of the way,but not staying in the same town. Today She called me with an idea of horse riding to do,im wary of horses& wasnt keen, she said that she go for a ride, & i can ride in the horse buggy with her parents,(who i am never not polite to) & I spoke before thinking,saying half jokingly that i wasnt that keen on this, she then said "Ok see you later"i felt this was weird & called her back,she didnt answer, i left 2 sorry mssges on her voice mail& sent 2 texts,i called her&she said "im busy"&hung up, now shes angry,i didnt mean to offend her/or parents!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 6 years ago.

Hello, and thanks for visiting JA.

You did not mess up - all you did was state your reservations about the holiday. If she cannot handle that, she can hardly be a friend.

Why on Earth do you feel you have to apologise? You do not exist just to please her, or other people. What about what YOU want?

People like her manage their lives around manipulating others in order to get their own way, in many subtle (and some not so subtle) ways) - just look at the situation now - she has you wrong footed and wanting to apologise for daring to have an opinion!

I suggest its is really time you stood up for yourself, and I'm going to offer you some tips on how you can start to do that.

The Bill of Riqhts.

This Bill of Rights was one of the tools used by Virginia Satir, a well-known family therapist. Containing some really basic psychological rights belonging to every person, it really helps to identify and deal with areas in which we have problems.

Read the statements. Note down any immediate thoughts or feelings that come to you.

Look at yourself in a mirror and read it out loud to yourself. Listen to your voice grow in strength and volume so that you can really start to feel it inside. In the beginning, you may feel silly or embarrassed. You may hear the inner voice say, "That's not the truth". Just hang in there and keep doing it - you'll notice the change within six weeks, if you do it regularly.

1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, think or feel.

2. It is O. K. for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.

3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decisions.

4. I have the right to say "I don't understand" without feeling stupid or guilty.

5. I have the right to say NO.

6. I have the right to say No without feeling guilty.

7. I do not have to apologise or give reasons when I say NO.

8. I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me.

9. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly.

10. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.

11. I have a right to tell others when their behaviour annoys me.

12. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.

13. I have a right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. I have a right to be wrong.

14. I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.

Time to deal with this young lady!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer. would like to know how what esle i can do please? do i wait and call her? i know she is also in the wrong. im unsure how to proceed, shes a friend and yes im entitled to my opinion but i also need to know how what to do now and what to say to her ie "sorryif i offedned you/yr mother but can we move on, dotn want lose the f/ship" what do i do? a bit stressed, as we have been good freinds.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 6 years ago.
I think it would be appropriate to call her and tell her exactly what you suggest!

I can appreciate you do not want to lose a friend, but in your shoes, I would not be too keen to be too apologetic.
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