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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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My wife has a quick temper, i.e., she will make a seemingly

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My wife has a quick temper, i.e., she will make a seemingly random conversational statement, but then when I respond, she is prone to quickly translating my sincere, open reply into a insult. Her hasty assessment that she has been insulted is followed by immeditate venemous low-blows directed at me. (I am certain that should I address her using her own approach, she would not tolerate it.)

Why is she apparently unable to hesitate, converse, and/or ask probing questions of me BEFORE going ballistic?? And, once having chosen to blanket me with hurtful words, she apears to be oblivious to the benefits of apologies. Instead of introspection, her preference is to blame ME for the issue (which I see as her own inability to be sensitive or responsible.)

If she could SLOW down a bit, calmly ask questions to get additional Info, I think pop-up circumstances could go much more smoothly. . . for both of us!
Hi there. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation with your wife. I'm sure it is feeling very frustrating for you. I wish I could give you a quick solution, but this kind of behavior is generally attributable to some underlying issues that take some time, and awareness, to change. If your wife is blaming you, then she doesn't have that insight or awareness. And there is only so long to can continue to avoid, apologize, and reassure her before you get tired and give up.

So my suggestion is that you go to marital counseling to address the communication issues, and hopefully make some progress with her ability to have some insight into her behavior. If you don't think she would be agreeable to that, then I would approach it by telling her that you think you need to go so you can understand her better and work on not hurting her feelings. Hopefully, if you make it about you needing help, she will agree to go. It's a bit of a manipulation, but sometimes that's the way you have to do it with someone like your wife. Once there, the therapist can deal with trying to get her to change her perceptions and the two of you can work together on this issue. Again, I wish I had a quick solution for you, but there really isn't one.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara

Customer: replied 6 years ago.



I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX thoughtful reply.


I anticipate that my wife will object to counseling: for me, for her, for us. Having witnessed her extreme over-reactions to my infrequent efforts to sternly rebuff her, I have seen out-of-control actions to include: radical aimless cutting of her beautiful long hair, standing in front of a running shower with an electic heater--plugged in, attempting to kick out a sliding glass window with her bare feet, etc., et al. I share your suspicion that underlying causes are present and very active.


Could the onset of menopause be a factor here? She is 45. BTW, we have been married for about 1 year.


Many thanks for your suggestions,



Hi again. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that with her. There are some serious problems going on here - unfortunately I don't think they are caused by menopause. I'm going to recommend a book for you to read. I'd like you see if it sounds like your wife and your experience with her. It's called Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. You should be able to find it fairly easily and I suspect that you will get some validation for your feelings and experiences with your wife. Good luck. Tamara
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