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Ask Tamara Your Own Question

Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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hi there, I react very badly when my boyfriend engages in lots

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hi there, I react very badly when my boyfriend engages in lots of eye contact with other women when we are out together and I feel hurt and angry aswell as humiliated. This will threaten our relationship if I cannot control my feelings and not show that distress by pulling away from him and being cold and moody with him. I need to change how I feel aswell as how I react and wonder if hypnotherapy would be beneficial so that I could be relaxed and not perceive his 'looking' as a big, bad, deceitful thing. I am determined to conquer this as I know it's not just him, it's normal in most men although he is a vain guy and seems to need female attention. can you please advise me?
Thankyou very much
Hi Karen. How much eye contact are you talking about? Is it glances at women, or prolonged eye contact? What have you told him and what does he respond with? Tamara
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hi Tamara, I wish it were merely glances but it is prolonged eye contact and I suppose he gets a buzz from it. When I notice the woman responding and they smirk and smile at each other throughout the evening, I find that very hard to handle and ignore. He denies it but says that if he looks, it doesn't mean anything and he's in love with me. I should just smile and be happy that I will be the one going home with him later! He feels it's an over-reaction on my part. I don't shout or accuse as I don't want to be seen as the jealous type but because I'm angry and hurt, my whole demeaner and mood changes and |I can't bear to look at him. I wouldn't do that when he's present, so it's disrespectful and sneaky, I feel.

Hi again. Thanks for the further information. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this issue with your boyfriend. I wish I could tell you that I think you are overreacting and that you need to learn to control yourself - but I can't in good conscience do that. I think what your boyfriend is doing is very disrespectful, and you should be upset about it. A sideways glance at an attractive woman is very different than prolonged eye contact and open flirting. I'm really sorry that he has convinced you that YOU are the one with the problem here. He is engaging in behavior that is not acceptable in a relationship, and then he is blaming you because you are supposedly too jealous and insecure. He's narcissistic, and you are a victim of his ego-driven manipulations. To dismiss you and tell you that you are LUCKY that you are the one going home with him is nauseating. It IS disrespectful and sneaky, and you deserve better.

Now on to your question about hypnotherapy. I suppose that it might be helpful, but I honestly think it is a move in the wrong direction to try to get yourself to not react to this self-centered behavior. If you truly feel that is what you need to do, they your best bet is going to be working on convincing yourself that it doesn't mean anything and that you really are the lucky one. Give hypnotherapy a try - it certainly couldn't hurt anything. But I would rather see you go to therapy to get some support for your perceptions, and to help you get stronger - not easier to disrespect.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara

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