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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3997
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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how to deal with adult children who lie

Resolved Question:

how to deal with adult children who lie
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Hi there ,

 

Welcome to JUts answer !

 

How old is your child ?

 

1)since when has she started lying ?

 

2)does she also have traits of argumentativeness , disrespect to elders or seniors , defiance and doing opposite of what is told to her ?

 

3)is this lying only restricted to conversations with her parent or does she lie to friends and close relatives as well ?

 

4)does she lie with an ulterior motive in her mind backing the lying ?

 

kindly answer queries against their numbers..

 

Regards..

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My daughter just turned 23. She only lies only about college. She is not disrespectful to others and actually a very caring person. She is a National Merit Scholarship winner. I'm not sure how it started, but we found out that she lost her college scholarship because her GPA fell below 3.0. She went through a period of depression and seemed to get herself back on track after approximately a 1.5 years. She told us that she was going to graduate in December. We attended the graduation ceremony. We found out after the fact that she actually needs 9 credits to graduate, but she didn't schedule them in a timely manner and was only able to get 6 credits in this semester. She has constant "G" grades, which are incompletes. I found out about the lie because we offered to pay for her graduate school applications and no application fees were ever charged to out account. She does work as a SAT tutor. She is highly intelligent, but can't seem to finish her classes. She gets through the mid-term with high marks but then just stops doing the work. I don't understand it. Why does she not finish her classes? Why does she lie to us about school? We only want her to finish school so she can support herself and get on with her life. She has many successful friends and I know that she has felt very pressured by family, friends, and high school teachers to succeed. I have had many discussions about living your life for yourself and doing what makes you happy. She wants to be a medical social worker and needs a masters degree to accomplish this. She has also applied for student loans and added me as the co-signer without my knowledge. I would have co-signed if she had only asked me. I don't know if confronting her will make her stop doing her school work on current classes, since it is mid-term time. What do I do?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I forgot to mention. That she said she just scored a perfect score on GREs, math, writing and verbal. I have also told her that we would only pay her living expenses until she finds a full-time job. Since she doesn't have a degree I don't know when that will be. Should I give her a date when we will stop paying expenses? We are not wealthy parents. We have managed our money well and do not have any loans and are only paying daily living expenses and her brother's school expenses.
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for the reply..

 

Well, it is quite implied that she lied to escape the embarrassment of having to face you at the background of her failures and it is quite understandable that her inability to get through her semester stems from the fact that she has lost her confidence a bit and is being under tremendous pressure of expecatations from you as parents and her own expectaions to perform , that she gets too much overwhelmed by the stress, that she looses the plot and succumbs to the pressure.

 

So, in this case , giving due respect and credit to you as parents in thinking well about your children 's welfare , but i believe it would do a world of good to her confidence and self belief if for once you tell her to take her exams without taking any tension about the results and just put her energy and concentration on her studies , and leave the rest to god and tell her that you are proud of her achievemnet so far and would offer unconditional and relentless support to her no mattter what would be the result , this kind of heart to heart encouragement talk would boost her confidence and self belief and uplift her moral , which has taken a severe beating in the recent past due to a succession of unfortunate failures , otherwise what could explain an A grade scholarship student , not able to pass her semester , the real culprit is stress of expectations to perform from all corners and lack of support from parents , so without giving too much weightage to her lying , give your support endlessly and you wil see that she will come back on track , as all she needs is your endless back up , like you would have done when she was a child .

 

I hope this helps..

 

I wish you all the best..

 

Please press the ACCEPT button if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

 

Regards..

 

Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3997
Experience: MD Psychiatry
Dr. Kaushik and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have tried to be supportive each semester. I have tried to talk to her, but I think that my contact only adds to the stress. She can't seem to finish anything for herself. Her father and I don't really care what other people think. We want her to become confident in herself and strong enough to just live her life on her own terms.
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 4 years ago.

Well, that is really so nice that you are being understanding and trying to render your support to her , but i believe that since your efforts have not turned out to be a moral booster, so instead of wasting any further precious time , you shall take her to a psychologist and get her started on counseling in the form of Cognitive behaviour therapy ( CBT ) , which suits best to overcome low confidence and boost one's moral and clear and objective thinking ..and you will see that after a few sessions , she will again become as confident as before.. and would perform well in the semester..

 

Regards..

Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3997
Experience: MD Psychiatry
Dr. Kaushik and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you

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