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Ask Dr. Ed Wilfong Your Own Question
Dr. Ed Wilfong
Dr. Ed Wilfong, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1528
Experience:  Twenty-five years treating all ages; Specialities: psychopharmacology & diagnosis, MMPI-2, testing.
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hi ed, how are you just thought id drop in to have a chat.

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hi ed, how are you? just thought i'd drop in to have a chat. I don't really have any questions but just wanted to talk to someone about what's been happening the past couple of days. I've been trying to get some space, but now I always seem to be the one who end up calling or texting. Nothing's quite changed really, he says he loves me but the breakup is what he needed and he is not aiming for reconciliation of any sort in the forseeable future. That's quite clear to me now, but I'm really having trouble letting go. Sometimes i'm okay but more often than not, i keep thinking of what i could've done better. Perhaps I should've fixed myself earlier instead of now. I've heard so many people say it's not my fault, but it really is. The emotional and physical abuse was unwarranted and I suffocated him with my insecurities. It's quite hard to live with myself at the moment knowing that, but I suppose there is no cure to feeling that way.. It is just a consequence of my actions..i've written him a long apology and its made me feel somewhat better, though not much. i just feel like the least i could do was to bear responsibility for my actions.
Give me a couple minutes to respond to someone else and I'll have time. Reply ok if that is ok.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
ok, no worries. thanks ed.
Hi, I type so slow. You know, I don't know how all of this suddenly became your fault. You gotta cut that crap out. Fault is irrelevant and I still think he freaked for his own reasons. If you do some constructive self examination, do it to learn from, not to punish yourself.

You are calling and texting. I won't let you dye your hair if you keep doing that. Hide you phone, tie you hands, but don't contact him.

Did we talk I about the "ticking clock" theory of getting over stuff like this??

Edited by Dr. Ed Wilfong on 2/1/2010 at 11:16 PM EST
Still there?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I just really can't help but feel like I'm responsible. The only time I can stop thinking about it that way is not thinking about it at all. I am learning from it though, and that is where I start to pick out stuff that I should've handled better. It's quite hard though to separate the element of regret when I come to that realisation. I must be frustrating you, going in circles like that!

I remember the ticking clock theory and it really hit home last night after an hour and a half chat. It was okay at first, then the wounds just reopened again.

I'll not attempt to contact him anymore...(though he's said he'd call in a coupla days and I still feel like talking to him even though i know i shouldn''s so hard to fight against my instinct!)

looks like the pink hair will have to wait... sorry i hope you don't think i'm not listening to you or trying.
No problem. I just thought I offended you as I talk to you more like I know you than my "professional tone".
It is good you are learning. In a relationship, it takes two. I know the ups and down of this, and the push pull. Not like I didn't used to younger. It is hell.

I know you are trying and listening, otherwise I wouldn't care or spend this much time with you..

It is good you are doing some self-examination and seeing how you have contributed to problems, but again, learn from it, don't punish yourself. I am not sure what you expect from talking to him??? It just isn't fixable.

In circumstances like this, if you insist on having hope, the only reconciliation that can work is when the relationship is dead and buried and you don't care anymore. If that happens and you run across each other, who knows. You will be different people. Before then, you will fall back into same patterns. You need YOUR forgiveness, not his. You will find if you get his, it will nothing in day or 2.

I just want you to get thru this with a minimum of anguish.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i really appreciate you spending so much time and effort on me, I'm really very grateful because it is slowly giving me a sense of perspective each time we talk.

Sometimes I do relapse and turn on the self-bashing and pity, but when I do, there is a growing awareness of what I'm actually doing. And that goes with talking to him, I guess I just get some comfort from knowing that he doesn't think I'm a horrible person...and feels the same way I do about him. (I realise it's actually quite a masochistic process to keep seeking validation from him)

I get what you mean about the relationship being dead and buried before anything can happen. I'm trying to get there, it's just abit harder than I would like to admit.

Thank you so much again, I really enjoy talking to you. it feels like I'm talking to a friend rather than a shrink, and it makes a whole lot of difference.
Ya, it always look better "on paper" as a plan for healing than reality actually makes it. I can see you are making progress and am glad to be here. My patients often say what you do, "I don't know what you do. You seem like just talking to a normal guy". I consider it a compliment. Just keep taking more steps forward than backward. Maybe it will just set the clock back a little, not to day one. I do have to go now. Need to get some stuff done around here or I'll end up without a wife....LOL.
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