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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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Im 45 years old and although I love my husband I cannot feel

Customer Question

I'm 45 years old and although I love my husband I cannot feel any sexual apetite. I am concerned since I am causing him a problem and a grief. I live in region where there is no sexologists. If it weren't for him I wouldn't consider it as a problem. What can I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for visiting JA.

To help me to help you can you tell me:

How long has this been the case?
Are you taking any medication and if so what for, what type and how much?
Do you find the thought of intercourse repugnant?

Regards,
NormanM
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for visiting JA.

To help me to help you can you tell me:

How long has this been the case?
Are you taking any medication and if so what for, what type and how much?
Do you find the thought of intercourse repugnant?

Regards,
NormanM








Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have just replied. Have you received it?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I must have done something wrong with the reply so I repeat.

 

It has been going on for several months. I am not on any medication. I don't find sex repugnant but it is was never very important for me nor do I recognise it as a very pleasant thing. There are many ways of showing love that I find more interesting, I'm afraid.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for getting back to me.

While I can understand that yes, there are ways of showing love that you find more interesting, I equally understand that your husband may not. The very fact that you have asked your question indicates that you are open to trying to improve the physical side of your relationship means that really, you are half way there already.

It has been said with good cause that the most important sexual organ in your body is your brain! Here indeed, I think you will find the answers you need.

Try, for a moment, to put yourself in your husband's shoes. Up until a few months ago,he probably felt quite comfortable about your sex life, now all of a sudden he is getting signals that are telling him you are not interested. He must be puzzled, baffled - and indeed frightened.

So think back to when it was alright. What has changed? Can you put back something that was missing?

Ask him what he would really, really like in a sexual way - and so long as you don't find it hurtful or demeaning, try uyour best to give it to him. You might find you find his pleasure infectious.

Tell him too what you might like i and show him as well.

I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

My very best wishes,

NormanM


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My I get back to you after seing the site? I must disconnect now, but I thank you for your help.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Of course!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've seen the site. Thank you! It is quite interesting though I think my problem is not a depression one. I just wander if a person does not find sex agreable, does it make him a not normal person? Could it be that my evolution as a person is leading to profound changes in my personality that could explain why sex does no longer interests mel? Or is it a disfunction? Should I antecipate the idea that I should leave my husband in order to let him in time meet someone else who does not bring him the same problem?
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for getting back to me.

CBT is not just about depression - it is about evaluating your situation and coming to a completely balanced and realisitic view,from wher you can make good decisions about what you want.

As to normality - ther is a broad spectrum here. Disinterest in sex is very common - in both women and men - and it does not mean you are abnormal. Have a look at the information here:

http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/62/54.cfm

I don't expect that profound changes in your personality are to be expected at all, and
don't see that as an explanation.

Why should you leave your husband when this situation really can be addressed if you are prepared to do so?

Regards,
Norman>
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Norman M. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am very sorry that I had to interrupt. When I got back to you you weren't available anymore, so I thought I would get an answer eventually and disconnected again until now.

I am very happy with this experience. You've made me think differently and I had the chance to tell my husband about this which came to be very productive. We are aware that it will not be easy but I am not as frightened as I were, feeling that I was abnormal... The country where I live is still very conservative and it is not easy to get the chance of meeting a open mind which is the best way of leaving the fears behind our backs.

I may come to you sometime. Thank you!!!

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