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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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My husband of 23 years was killed in a car crash in 2004. We

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My husband of 23 years was killed in a car crash in 2004. We have 4 children. Married 23 years. One year before the accident I was told he had had an affair that resulted in a child and I had no idea. We cont. to get along and he saw the kids on a regular basis. I feel he was truely sorry, although we never got to discuss this before he died.Emotionally i was a wreck trying to figure out why our marriage was going down the tubes the last 4 years. This was the reason. Problem now is I went to a support group for my son and met someone who treated me like "I" mattered,who said "I love YOU". He had a small child i treated like my own and miss her terribly. Love now was diferent than meeting at 17. I love him. We were on and off 3 years and he's a mess too.Diagnosed with PTSS etc. How do you just forget and move on? I was finaly truely happy. My kids liked him. I don't feel like I want to invest again and I hate this .I have been to 5 therapists all say get over it and forget it. Thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
HelloCustomer- thanks for visiting JA.

You have had a really rough time, havn't you? I'm not surprised to hear that you are reluctant to 'invest' again, but I'm greatly heartened to read that you are still open to the idea of therapy, if you can find the right person. "Get over it"just doesn't help, does it?

In that, you have hit the nail on the head - you have to be able to trust the therapist and feel comfortable with them, as a good client/therapist relationship is VITAL to the outcome of the therapy.

Let me just say at this point that it is not the job of the therapist to tell you what to do, or who to get involved with. It's more important that you be able to talk about your feelings, your experiences, and to begin to see what real choices are open to you, and how you might go about achieving them. Besides, there are many types of 'talking therapy' available -I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

Finally, I suggest that when you look for a therapist, you spend a lot of time talking to then on the phone until you feel you have found someone you can really work with comfortably. You might even want to contact byemail initially, outlining your situation,and asking how they would approach your therapy.

A final thought I know it will be frightening - but lets face it, if you don't try (knowing that there is a possibility of disappointment) you will stay stuck where you are. So take your courage in both hands and go for it.

My very best wishes,

NormanM.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I guess my only other question is how do you trust again and truely believe the person. I don't realisitcally feel that is possible . The only 2 I ever cared about dumped me without a care. Maybe that therapy cold address that. Its really frustrating facing the same problems over and over and trying to be a mom and work fulltime also. Thanks for your time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
One more thought. As I try and think and read on this CBT it still makes me wonder the original question. When the thoughts of how awesome my life was when my husband and I were having babies, raising them together, watching them grow and being together, and when my new "friend" put my life together again after it had blown apart,come into my mind CONSTANTLY am I now to replace them with negative thoughts? I think the CBT seems to assuse its neg. I am thinking and replace it with positive. My thoughts are positive. I miss them terribly
Expert:  Norman M. replied 4 years ago.
Hello again - thanks for getting back to me again.

The wau you can develop trust is just by taking it slowly, and evaluating each step of the way. You have been very unfortuneate, but remember there are millions of people out there who have found good relationships after a bad start.

As for the CBT, it will deal with your negative, unhelpful emotions, leaving your good memories and feelings intact, and even enhanced!

Best wishes,
Norman.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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