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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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I am having a consensual affair with a colleague for quite

Customer Question

I am having a consensual affair with a colleague for quite a while. I am a gay man and in a relationship with another closeted gay guy. My colleaugue on the other hand is a "straight" married man who's wife is pregnant and doesn't know about hher husband's secret activity. I wanted to end up the relationship but everytime I attempt to, my colleaugue will do something that makes me change my mind... Please help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

Hey alex,

It's good that you're reaching out for help. Living with all the intrigue is a burden that can really start to wear a guy down. There is no way to stop something while still doing it. It's important to remember that. To be different, you have to BE different. You can stop yourself from this, you have to make up your mind, put your foot down, and stop your openess to this man. An affair starts waaaaaaaaaay before any touching. You've got to rein yourself in, get involved in something else that distracts you, and above all else, limit eye contact and exposure to him. Just stopping looking in his eyes is a huge break. Don't go to the places you met up, screen his emails and block his number from your cell phone. YOU have the power to do this....he cannot make you participate.

Also...think of what kind of guy he you really need to be mixed up with a man so full of lies? What is his poor wife thinking? A simple life is much more attractive.

Make a decision and be strong. This isn't a funny situation, nor romantic - it's a mirage that hurts everyone.

If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting. I appreciate this opportunity to help you out today. If I can be of further service to you, just put "for Anna" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it.



Edited by Anna on 2/1/2010 at 11:50 AM EST
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have tried to avoid him for so many times but every time I do that, the more the relationship becomes so intense... I wanted to quit my job, but I just got promoted a month ago and I know I deserve the new position. Also, i am having thoughts of telling his wife that we are an item as I feel guilty about my relationship with her husband.
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

The intensity you're talking about is the's a major element in all affairs, and part of the buzz. I wouldn't suggest you speak to the wife to ease your own guilt - why do that? Too much drama. Deal with your guilt in a way that doesn't hurt others. You have to make up your're 32 years old, not a youngster. Its up to you.

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