Well, you are right that I need to deal with one thing at a time. The catch-22 of anxiety
disorder, kinda keeps me out of the docs office. And that I've known him for years, I built a 5 bay log carport for him a few years ago.
So ya see, over 20 years in the community, and life is full of sticky details. I do my own contracts, no insurance, but he charges me $28 a visit. I havnt told him about the shoulder, last physical thing was drop foot for three months last year from the work I do.Turned out to be perneal nerve damage, but being down that long really reminded me that my body isnt getting younger.
I think when I emailed him for head meds, and saw him, it was awkward to visit around the fact that my cheese has slid off my cracker a bit. Maybe more than a bit
The pit I feel like I'm in is more a lack of wanting to do anything else. You know the saying, be careful of what you want. I've roamed far, and covered a lot of ground doing my work, and have the homestead I always envisioned.
My biology work (molluscs), and construction leave me winters here, if I watch my acorns.My sleep is ok if I take a klonopin, havnt yet, probably be up till I do.
Part of my thing is also issues with the medical establishment. See, I was hit by a station wagon, and then in traction with a compound femur at 12, and dont like the medical setting much. Nor opiates. I left home on a bicycle at 17, broke my shoulder in the woods, never set it. Lots of injuries treeplanting and climbing, long list.
No doc till last year. Then that foot drop thing, and Jim thought it was a spine injury, L5'...MRIs, neurologist, just to tell me I've been on my knees too much. 12 years looking for snails now. That alone is enough to drive anyone bonkers. I found 2 target snails all last year.
Luckly, when I started my business in 95 I became the pres. of the corp, but also an employee, so comp covered the foot drop thing, but I dont think I could claim mental duress for crawling around, looking under rocks and sticks in the woods alone all day.
Which brings us to where to go from here.
My relationship with Jim, I could go see Kathy, the other doc, or the clinic, but that also involves circles of people here.
And then there's the pain issue. I dont even know what to guage my pain against. I'll tell you, when I bought firewood for the first time in my life last year, I sure felt small buying it from don, he's 87 years old, a WW2 vet. Tough old guy, nice as can be. I'm 44 and dont feel up to cutting my wood? What a whimp.There's some millworkers, and old loggers around here that hurt more than I, thats for sure.
Then, maybe it's something else. The remeron has helped a lot, but I've been spinning out of control in the shop, not good around lathes, milling machines, and big saws. The spells last around 2 hours,usually just after noon, food helps, then I feel sort of ok.
I've told my story to a few people, and they agree I've been through a lot, and I some of them go like this. Inbetween the 5 year bicycle ride, and becoming a woodsworker I lived with a family for a few years, and had a variety of entanglements in the little community out of town. I bought this place from my neighbor chuck, who got me my first woodswork job in 87, and we worked together for years.I was with Na back then, she's his partner now.
It dosnt hurt to have an ER nurse for a neighbor out here, but lots of stuff there, she dropped some stuff from chuck on my step yesturday, we dont talk much after I came apart last winter. Every direction I turn here, there's some connection. And most people want to see me, it's my head that has gone where it has, people think I dont want to see them. Well, actually, I sortof dont...
Well, if you got through all that, maybe you have some ideas of how I should procede, go to doc jim, hat in hand, or do what everyone is telling me to do, and get a puppy.
Oh, yea. I shot my old buddy in the head, and buried him close. I should have had a vet put him down. That was hard. That was a hard thing to do.
Thanks for your thoughts, Russell