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Gina P
Gina P, LCSW
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  MSW, LCSW, PIP
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I have been married for 26 years and 2 years ago my husband

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I have been married for 26 years and 2 years ago my husband was comunicating with a lady for 3 weeks and I found out. He said no intimacy was involved and he really doesn't know why he was doing it. He is very homely and was not sneaking out or anything but was talking with her on the phone. He has always been good to me and is extremely remorseful however, it stills haunts me daily and I cant seem to shake it. Why can't I stop thinking about it. I don't feel the same and I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

I had this question answered by Ralph LMHC but I also want another opinion Thank you.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Gina P replied 4 years ago.

Hi,

When you are betrayed by your spouse it brings many different feelings. If you and he are both invested in the relationship, you would do well to seek some individual and or couple counseling.

These feelings you are experiencing are very common, and many women, in paricular, have difficulty learning to trust again. However, it sounds as if your husband is making an attempt to re establish a trusting relationship again.

The feelings you have may also stem from a feeling of inadequacy on your part. Many times women will blame themselves for their spouse's choices. If this is what you are feeling, learn to look at yourself in a more human and accepting way. These feelings can also be related to poor self esteem on your part as well.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne here is to learn to accept you and your husband's faults. Work together on building the trust and learn to rekindle the feelings you have for each other. The alternative is living in a marriage without true intimacy, the bond of trust. The fears you have will destroy the positive things about your relationship if you are not careful.

 

Muriel, the feelings you have are normal, but it is impotant to process these and move forward. Focus on the good things in your marriage, and on ways you can learn to trus your husband again.

I hope this helps. Gina

 

Gina P, LCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 175
Experience: MSW, LCSW, PIP
Gina P and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
He is aware that an old flame of mine tipped me off about him. Initially he was uset about that but he said he was glad I was tipped off. He has always and still is good to me. He is attentive and spends a lot of time with me. He doesnt appear to hold it against me for communicating and listening to my old flame. Am I being selfish? Also I am terrified that he may still want to be with that girl or someone else. I have never felt like this before in our marriage. I am normally very confident and secure. I take very long to heal and it keeps nagging at me.I appreciate your answer and hope I can get through this soon.I do my best not to bring it up but I cant seem to stop thinking about it. Is it possible that deep down I feel guilty?
Expert:  Gina P replied 4 years ago.

Hi Muriel,

It sounds as if you are feeling a little insecure rather than guilty, which is understandable. I would suggest you talk with your husband when these insecurities crop up, and let him know how you feel. I don't think it is selfishness, just tryinjg to get a grasp on what has happened. Give yourself some time for this to sink in and jprocess. When you find yourself obsessing over this, stop your thoughts and think of something else on purpose. Set aside a time each day, say 6 PM, and train yourself to think about it at this time, if that is what you want. You do not have to let this consume you. Work on being the best you can be.

One assignment I give couples to try and stay focused on the day is to complete three statements for each other every day before going to bed. These are: I regret..., I appreciate...., and I request..... These statement must pertain to the current day only, not the past.

This helps you feel good by hearing your spouse talk to you, focus on ways to be better to each other, and also helps you focus on the things you are both doing right.

 

Try this and it will improve your communication greatly. Hope this helps. Gina

Expert:  Gina P replied 4 years ago.

Hi Muriel,

It sounds as if you are feeling a little insecure rather than guilty, which is understandable. I would suggest you talk with your husband when these insecurities crop up, and let him know how you feel. I don't think it is selfishness, just tryinjg to get a grasp on what has happened. Give yourself some time for this to sink in and jprocess. When you find yourself obsessing over this, stop your thoughts and think of something else on purpose. Set aside a time each day, say 6 PM, and train yourself to think about it at this time, if that is what you want. You do not have to let this consume you. Work on being the best you can be.

One assignment I give couples to try and stay focused on the day is to complete three statements for each other every day before going to bed. These are: I regret..., I appreciate...., and I request..... These statement must pertain to the current day only, not the past.

This helps you feel good by hearing your spouse talk to you, focus on ways to be better to each other, and also helps you focus on the things you are both doing right.

 

Try this and it will improve your communication greatly. Hope this helps. Gina

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