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Ask Dr. Ed Wilfong Your Own Question
Dr. Ed Wilfong
Dr. Ed Wilfong, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1528
Experience:  Twenty-five years treating all ages; Specialities: psychopharmacology & diagnosis, MMPI-2, testing.
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Hi, This will sound very childish and needy but I dont know

Customer Question

Hi, This will sound very childish and needy but I dont know who to talk to or what the actual problem is I just know there is one and I need to do something about it. My fiance loves me, I know that without a doubt and I know he would never do anything to hurt me. The only thing we ever argue about is he never tells me he loves me and sometimes I just need to hear it. We cant afford to get married yet or buy a house or start a family and I hate that but it will happen 1 day.Sometimes I need to hear he loves me so much we get into a fight about why he wont tell me and it just makes me even more angry and then upset because I dont know why if he loves me he cant tell me.Then I cant make myself stop going on about it, even though the argument isnt going anywhere.
I find I cry so much, all the time, its driving me mad.I always want him to tell me nice things and reassure me.I dont think I'm depressed or anything, just my emotions are uncontrollable and I dont know why or how to change it.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Ed Wilfong replied 6 years ago.
You don't sound like you have any "mental problems". I think I know what is wrong. You are supposed to tell the one you love that you love them. The person to talk to is him, which hasn't worked out to well. I suspect he is one that has some sort of issue with this, that affects you, sadly. You likely will have to get use to it unless he gets counseling. You sound fine.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I know I am fine mentally, and I know part of the problem is he cant tell me he loves me - he said he thinks he shows me by being affectionate etc which is fair enough, but what I cant understand is why I am so emotional and just cry all the time when he doesnt tell me what I want to hear or when my friends talk about how great their partner's are. Why can I not just accept that he loves me and cant tell me rather than feel so emotional and am incapable of holding back the tears! They just free flow whenever I get even slightly unhappy nevermind upset.
Expert:  Dr. Ed Wilfong replied 6 years ago.
I think the tears are normal. This hurts and the longer it goes on, the more it hurts. You sound like you know this is important, but deep down, I think you may underestimate how important it is. I would bet he is emotionally restrained in other issues which limis intimate communication. Are you sure your tears of sadness are not because you know this is an unacceptable way to live, despite all the positives? You likely can't accept it because it is not acceptable.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How do I make it acceptable? I cant disconnect the rational from irrational thoughts - I know he loves me, I just do, I need no clarity or reassurance on that, yet for some reason it doesnt make me any less upset when he isnt vocal! I'm just fed up with being upset and not knowing how to change it. I thought if/when we got engaged it would change my thoughts because then it's obvious he loves me and wants to spend his life with me so why would he need to tell me etc and then he proposed in Sept and the thoughts are still there. I'm going round in circles. Sorry to moan, I just dont understand my own thoughts!
Expert:  Dr. Ed Wilfong replied 6 years ago.
Kimi-counseling is the only way I can think of to change these though patterns. someone trained can better help you examine why you are having such difficulty and change the pattern. If you like, I can bow out and refer you to someone else to help. I think I have done all I can. I understand, just don't have an easy answer. Let me know.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
If you dont mind I would appreciate that please. Thankyou for you help.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi i just received an email asking why i havent paid after 3 questions, but thats because the the expert i spoke to said he would open up my question to other experts as he couldnt help, i didnt get an aswer from anyone else so asked why and then got an email saying sorry for the wait, if i leave a 'good faith' deposit it may prompt a reply. This I have done and all I received was the email asking to pay, no further response to my initial problem.
Expert:  Dr. Ed Wilfong replied 6 years ago.
Kimi-we, the experts have no control over the prompts for payment. You don't have to pay unless satisfied. I am sorry they do that.
I did ask a couple people I knew to look at your post and opened it up to all experts. I also cannot control whether thay think they can help, or are willing. When a question doesn't get a second opinion, often it is because they agree with the first opinion.
I hope someone else responds, but my understanding is if you don't value the work done, you don't pay.

Edited by Dr. Ed Wilfong on 1/3/2010 at 11:51 PM EST

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