Hi edith and thanks for using justanswer.com
I think you screen name is XXXXX XXXXX someone so hopeless. I have read a great deal about Edith Cavell and she was a heroine to me while I was a young woman.
I am wondering if you have contacted your therapist about your suicidal feelings and if perhaps that has been difficult for you over these holidays?
I can see that you are wary of using a hotline, but I wonder why you are not willing to take a chance on a hotline but instead post here?
Isnt it possible that you can use the hotline and meet someone who understands how poorly you feel and is invested in helping you?
I hope you will reconsider this, because you are in so much pain and it would be tragic if you didnt try to talk this out with someone who cares about you.
Try it first and if it is still not helpful write back and let us know
Best wishes to you and I hope you feel relief soon edith.