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Dr. Steve
Dr. Steve, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 370
Experience:  19 years conducting therapy; book author; newspaper columnist; former co-host of radio show
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I feel that i will never be happy. I have homosexual tendencies

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I feel that i will never be happy. I have homosexual tendencies but that is not the life i want to live. I want to live a normal life, i want to get married and have children. I am attracted to the opposite sex as well, but dont think i could have a normal relationship with my skeletons. I cannot see myself ever having a homosexual relationship and have never had a sexual encounter with anyone of the same sex. I have had many sexual encounters and a few relationships with the oposite sex. there is so much shame in my life. I feel that no one would ever understand my situation. as a result i have turned to alcohol which is also ruining my life. My father is also an alcoholic. the world is colapsing around me. all i want is to have a normal and fulfilling life. what should i do?
Hi redfire:

I am going to guess that you have been molested/sexually abused growing up. There may have been some physical abuse as well, given your brief self-description. Whatever the case, it has your self-image spinnning like a dervish inside of your head, and has been wreaking havoc in every aspect of your life - but most specifically, your sexual identity.

As for a plan of action, I would love to give you a quick couple of steps to overcome such a heinous background. Unfortunately, a magic wand like that simply does not exist. Your life did not skid to this depth overnight, and it is going to take a fair amount of effort (and comittment) on your part to rise above the traumas of your history.

The (seriously) only solution will be intensive therapy. Through the relaitonship with a therapist, you can begin the arduous process of discovering what is REALLY your idea, and what is being driven by the voices from the past. Too, you may also wish to begin with an anti-depressant to stabilize your mind enough that therapy can have a better toe-hold. Unfortunately, you cannot drink heavily with an anti-depressant.

Listen, the path you are currently on feels bad to you, but therapy will feel worse for the first little while. I tell you that to say that you should not give up once you begin. The upside potential is too great - if you can weather the storm of beginning to tear off some of the scabs of the trauma. Believe me, there is hope on the other side, but prepare yourself for a difficult journey.

Thanks!

Dr. Steve

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i was not abused as a child, although I did grow up in a tramatic household due to my father's drinking. I have considered therapy but am really embarrised and have not followed through. I am successful at what I do and function well. I want to quit drinking and will give it a try, with disipline, i think i can do it. One of the biggest problems i have seen when i quit drinking is that i can't sleep. after a few days without drinking and no sleep, i start again.
Hello again, redfire:

Say, let me give you a link to find a physician called an "Addiction Medicine Specialist" in your area. These are physicians who absolutely understand the process of addiction and the medical implications of depression, anxiety, trauma, and substance use/abuse. S/he will be best able to help assess the problem, but also know exactly how to treat what you have going on.

Set up an appointment and stop kicking yourself in the shins for not following through in the past. Your issues make it tough to open up and trust - it is no wonder that you did not follow through with therapy. shame is an awful thing, man. Take this as a first baby step, and make an appointment with one of these physicians.
Best of luck to you-

Thanks!

Dr. Steve

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